Hearing what occurred on #EpsteinIsland, it’s relieving that an “Invite” was rejected in 1992/93! ‘Let Honor Stainless Be’ … (?!) | #EpsteinClientList
The #Epstein fire is being relit:
#OutofShadows, #Epstein #EpsteinClientList #EpsteinIsland #Documentary #EpsteinClientList #Pedophiles #GhislaineMaxwell #ElonMusk …
Beginning to tap into the growing area of Child Abuse: Emotional Abuse will be first of the list of (hidden) moments which more of our children are being exposed to. Although it it is a part of the much wider ecosystem that is concerning aging & recent surviving-victims of child sexual abuse (in their younger years), the lifelong results are only beginning to be realised. Following are links to some articles, discussing things from supporting children and young people, defining ECA, why kids need to escape family violence & to cutting off contact:
While some of these readings may cause tensions, itās best to stop reading ā get your mind onto something relaxing ā coming back to the remaining (when you can). Weāll try to work on providing Spoken-text versions of our Articleās, as concentration + PTSD + CSA may be connected.
Australiaās National Redress Scheme | RSS Redress Support Services continues to offer Counselling, amongst its services. While some Surviving-Victims may have received other amounts from NRS, including Redress + Apologies ā Counselling is a worthwhile external service for CSA victims, their family-friends & other community members. Iām finally bringing a Support Worker into these NRS Sessions, which is dealing with many (hidden) secrets! RSS offer face-to-face, online and telephone support.
Still wondering why our emotions was chosen as the 1st topic? Our emotions reveal so much of our true nature, which power and control try to manipulate. If nothing can be seen as wrong, nothing can be proven ā right? Through focus on parts of our emotions, there is still a huge focus on āunpacking the box of mysteriesā. As such, this post can be our beginning of each of our related matters. These emotional abuse posts go on further ā¦
– How Emotional Abuse in Childhood the Brain
– Vigilance Part 2 ā Emotional Abuse
– Emotional Support and Adult Depression in Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse
– Emotional Child Abuse Defined
– 12 Long- And Short-Term Effects Of Child Abuse
– How Childhood Emotional Neglect Can Show Up in Our Adult Life
– Taking care of yourself (or a loved one) when sexual abuse makes the headlines
– Sexual abuse survivor wants former boysā school principal stripped of Order of Australia award
– Elite Sydney teacher Cody Reynolds jailed for child abuse cache
– What is child abuse and neglect?
– Violating childrenās rights: The psychological impact of sexual abuse in childhood
– Stop Telling Child Abuse Survivors to Forgive their Abusers
– Are You Overlooking or Rationalizing Abuse? Thatās Denial!
– Learning the facts is the first step to preventing child sexual abuse.
– Healing the Shame of Childhood Abuse Through Self-Compassion
– 7 Ways Family Members Re-victimize Sexual Abuse Survivors
– 11 Common Symptoms Experienced by Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse
– Being a Survivor of Child Abuse
Inside the mind of a victim
– Creativityās CSA Impact | performing arts + child sexual abuse
– āWe have to speak out ā¦ and be heardā: Life after sexual abuse
– The Lingering Trauma of Child Abuse
– The Undeniable Connection between DID and Child Abuse
– āJesus is coming to get youā: Brotherās threat to boy he abused
– 16 āHiddenā Habits of People Who Experienced Child Abuse | The Mighty
– Child abuse is 40 times more likely when single parents find new partners
– Childhood abuse never ended for thousands of Australian adults
– Terminology, Key Messages & What is Child Abuse & Neglect?
– Long-term Effects of Child Sexual Abuse (5-8)
– Familiar? Child sex abuse victim finally speaks out after decades of shame
– Facts about Child Sex Abuse (maltreatment)
– Should the scapegoat child trust the golden child?
– Scientists Have Found a Strong Link Between a Terrible Childhood And Being Intensely Creative
– 10 Warning Signs Of Gaslighting To Never Ignore
– Redress: the setting right of that which is morally wrong
– How to Deal With Dysregulation
– How Toxic Families Choose a Child to Scapegoat
– Offending Institution: St Vincentās Orphanage, Clontarf
– Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (SoNM) ā a life of struggle and pain
Ā© and ā¢ Tony Anstatt. ABN 2voices: ā37522760054ā¬.
Recognizing Child Abuse: What Parents Should Know
SIGNS OF EMOTIONAL MALTREATMENT
Consider the possibility of emotional maltreatment when the child:
Consider the possibility of emotional maltreatment when the parent or other adult caregiver:
RETRIEVED http://preventchildabuse.org/images/docs/recognizingchildabuse-whatparentsshouldknow.pdf
(For Immediate Release December 28, 2022)
It is certain that many people will have mixed feelings about the life of Pope Benedict XVI. The expected passing of Benedict is a painful reminder that we’re still dealing with the aftereffects of his tenure in Germany as Archbishop. We also canāt forget the twenty years he spent as Prefect for the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith under John Paul II before becoming Pope. Sadly, many clergy abuse victims are not out of the woods in terms of healing from their wounds and getting the justice they deserve.
Survivors of child sexual abuse in Germany were among the most hurt, having been deceived first by Benedict’s cover-up of sex crimes and then monumentally betrayed following his election to the papacy. There are no words to adequately express the anguish these survivors and their dear ones faced. We wish to honor the abuse survivors in Germany and everywhere for continuing to speak truth to power against such great odds and in the face of such powerful denial. Despite Benedictās lack of candor, their truths cannot be denied.
In our view, Pope Benedict XVI, much like John Paul II, was more concerned about the churchās deteriorating image and financial flow to the hierarchy versus grasping the concept of genuine apologies followed by true amends to victims of abuse. The rot of clergy sexual abuse of children and adults, including their own nuns and seminarians, runs throughout the Catholic church, to every country, and we now have incontrovertible evidence, all the way to the top.
Any celebration that marks the life of abuse enablers like Pope Benedict must end. It is time for the Vatican to refocus on change: tell the truth about known abusive clergy, protect children and adults, and allow justice to those who have been hurt.
CONTACT: Mike McDonnell, SNAP Communications (mmcdonnell@snapnetwork.org, 267-261-0578) Zach Hiner, Executive Director (zhiner@snapnetwork.org, 517-974-9009) Shaun Dougherty, SNAP Board President (sdougherty@snapnetwork.org, 814-341-8386)
(SNAP, the Survivors Network, has been providing support for victims of sexual abuse in institutional settings for 30 years. We have more than 25,000 survivors and supporters in our network. Our website is SNAPnetwork.org)
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RETRIEVED https://www.snapnetwork.org/snap_reacts_to_the_news_about_pope_emeritus_benedict_xvi
Identity of former childcare worker charged with sexually abusing 91 children revealed under new Queensland laws as Ashley Paul Griffith
Posted Wed 4 Oct 2023 at 7:45amWednesday 4 Oct 2023 at 7:45am, updated Wed 4 Oct 2023 at 10:59amWednesday 4 Oct 2023 at 10:59am
A former Queensland childcare worker accused of sexually abusing 91 children can now be named under new Queensland laws.
Gold Coast man Ashley Paul Griffith, 45, is facing more than 1,600 child sex offences, including rape and indecent treatment of a child, stemming from a major Australian Federal Police (AFP) investigation.
Police allege the offences were committed between 2007 and 2022 while Mr Griffith was working in 10 childcare centres in Brisbane, one in Sydney and one overseas.
Mr Griffith has been in custody in Queensland since August, 2022, when the AFP arrested and charged him on two counts of making child exploitation material and one count of using a carriage service for child abuse material.
Within hours, further alleged child abuse material was discovered on his electronic devices, the AFP said.
The AFP alleges Mr Griffith recorded all the offences, which were against pre-pubescent girls, on his phone and cameras.
He has been charged with 136 counts of rape and 110 counts of sexual intercourse with a child under 10.
The matter was briefly mentioned in court on August 21, with Crown prosecutor Steven Dickson requesting an adjournment until January due to the “voluminous” nature of the case material.
If you need help immediately call emergency services on triple-0
Deputy Chief Magistrate Anthony Gett said he would not adjourn the matter to January.
“I still want to bring it back to see how it’s going, I don’t want to adjourn for such a long time ā¦ that’s five months away,” he said.
Mr Griffith’s lawyer made no application for bail.
The case will be heard in court again on November 6.
AFP Assistant Commissioner Justine Gough said authorities are “highly confident” all children allegedly recorded in Australia have been identified.
“In September 2022, the AFP coordinated a joint agency task force with the Queensland Police Service at the AFP-led Australian Centre to Counter Child Exploitation to review nearly 4,000 images and videos the man had allegedly created,” she said.
“Law enforcement has been working very closely with all the relevant childcare centres for the past year, and we thank them for their cooperation.”
Assistant Commissioner Gough said up to 35 members were involved in Operation Tenterfield from August, 2022. She said the operation was “complex” and required “highly skilled victim identification specialists”.
“There is not much solace I can give parents and children who have been identified under Operation Tenterfield, but I can tell you we never gave up and we never will when it comes to protecting children.”
The law changes, which came into place yesterday, mean accused rapists and adults charged with sexual offences can be named by the media before they go to trial.
This brings the rules around the offences into line with those for all other criminal offences, and brings the state into line with every other jurisdiction, apart from the Northern Territory.
An exception to this is if identifying the accused would identify the accuser.
Accused sexual offenders can still apply to prevent their names from being publicised via a non-publication order (NPO).
The changes have been made in an effort to to amplify the voices of victim-survivors.
The move was one of 188 recommendations made by a domestic violence and justice taskforce last year.
The new legislation applies to any new, ongoing, and historical cases in Queensland.
Anyone who has been accused of sexual offences, or who was accused in the past, may now have their matter publicised.
Posted 4 Oct 20234 Oct 2023, updated 4 Oct 2023
RETRIEVED https://www.abc.net.au/news/2023-10-04/qld-ex-childcare-worker-abuse-charges-named/102931896
Some People May Find It Harder Than Others to Manage Their Emotions
By
Updated on May 03, 2023
Medically reviewed by
Rachel Goldman, PhD, FTOSPrint
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Dysregulation, or emotional dysregulation, is an inability to control or regulate one’s emotional responses, which can lead to significant mood swings, significant changes in mood, or emotional lability. It can involve many emotions, including sadness, anger, irritability, and frustration.
While dysregulation is typically thought of as a childhood problem that usually resolves itself as a child learns proper emotional regulation skills and strategies, dysregulation may continue into adulthood.
For these individuals, emotional dysregulation can lead to a lifetime of struggles, including problems with interpersonal relationships, school performance, and the inability to function effectively in a job or at work.
Hosted by therapist Amy Morin, LCSW, this episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast shares how to deal with your emotions in any circumstance that may come your way. Click below to listen now.
Follow Now: Apple Podcasts / Spotify / Google Podcasts
Why is it that some people have no trouble remaining calm, cool, and collected while others fall apart at the first instance of something going wrong in their life?
The answer is that there are likely multiple causes; however, there is one that has been consistently shown in the research literature. That cause is early psychological trauma resulting from abuse or neglect on the part of the caregiver.1 This results in something known as a reactive attachment disorder.
In addition, a parent who has emotional dysregulation will also struggle to teach their child how to regulate emotions. Since children are not naturally born with emotional regulation coping skills, having a parent who cannot model effective coping puts a child at risk for emotional dysregulation themselves.
While dysregulation isn’t necessarily a mental disorder (or a sign of one), we know that emotional dysregulation in childhood can be a risk factor for later mental disorders. Some disorders are also more likely to involve emotional dysregulation.
Below is a list of the disorders most commonly associated with emotional dysregulation:2
When emotional dysregulation appears as part of a diagnosed mental disorder, it typically involves a heightened sensitivity to emotional stimuli and a lessened ability to return to a normal emotional state within a reasonable amount of time.
In general, emotional dysregulation involves having emotions that are overly intense in comparison to the situation that triggered them. This can mean not being able to calm down, avoiding difficult emotions, or focusing your attention on the negative. Most people with emotional dysregulation also behave in an impulsive manner when their emotions (fear, sadness, or anger) are out of control.
Below are some examples of what it looks like when someone is experiencing emotional dysregulation.
Emotional dysregulation can also mean that you have trouble recognizing the emotions that you are experiencing when you become upset. It might mean that you feel confused by your emotions, guilty about your emotions, or are overwhelmed by your emotions to the point that you can’t make decisions or manage your behavior.
Note that the behaviors of emotional dysregulation may show up differently in children, involving temper tantrums, outbursts, crying, refusing to make eye contact or speak, etc.
Being unable to manage your emotions and their effects on your behavior can have a range of negative effects on your adult life. For instance:
A child with emotional dysregulation may experience the following outcomes:
The two main options for treating emotion dysregulation are medication and therapy, depending on the individual situation. Let’s take a look at each of these in turn.
Medication may be used to treat emotion dysregulation when it is part of a larger mental disorder. For example, ADHD will be treated with stimulants, depression will be treated with antidepressants, and other issues might be treated with antipsychotics.
In terms of therapy for emotional dysregulation, the main treatment method has been what is known as dialectical behavior therapy(DBT).3 This form of therapy was originally developed by Marsha Linehan in the 1980s to treat individuals experiencing BPD.4
In general, this type of therapy involves improving mindfulness, validating your emotions, and engaging in healthy habits. It also teaches the skills needed to regulate your emotions. Through DBT, you learn to focus on the present moment, how to become aware of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and how to deal with stressful situations.
DBT argues that there are three “states of mind:”4
DBT is about showing you that you can see situations as shades of grey rather than all black and white (in other words, combining your emotional mind and logic mind).
If you’ve just experienced a stressful situation or crisis and want to try a little DBT at home, pull out a journal and answer these questions.
The goal of DBT is to balance your emotions with logic to obtain more positive outcomes from the situations that you find stressful. The goal is also to teach you to become more aware of the connections between your thoughts, feelings, and actions. In this way, it’s expected that you will be able to better manage your emotions in your daily life.
How to Deal With Negative Emotions
If you are a parent of a child who struggles with emotion dysregulation, you might be wondering what you can do to support your child. It is true that children learn emotion regulation skills from their parents. You have the ability to teach your child how to manage emotions rather than become overwhelmed by them. Here are some ways you can support them:
Your child also needs to know that they can reach out to you for help and comfort when needed. Having a supportive and reliable parent figure in their life will help to protect them against problems with emotional dysregulation.
ADHD Symptom Spotlight: Emotional Dysregulation
Whether it’s you, your child, or someone you know who struggles with emotion dysregulation, it is important to know that this is something that can improve over time. In fact, 88% of those diagnosed with BPD are not predicted to meet criteria 10 years down the road.6 This goes to show that emotion regulation strategies can be learned and are very helpful for improving your situation and living the best life possible.
Regardless of your current circumstances, you can make changes that will result in improved social, school, and work functioning. You can learn to manage the stressful situations that cause you pain and work through past hurts or mistreatment that led you to where you are today.
6 Sources
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By Arlin Cuncic, MA
Arlin Cuncic, MA, is the author of “Therapy in Focus: What to Expect from CBT for Social Anxiety Disorder” and “7 Weeks to Reduce Anxiety.” She has a Master’s degree in psychology.
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RETRIEVED https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-dysregulation-5073868
Amongst the growing amount of public acknowledgment, that āthose foreign cases of #childabuseā are in fact happening within their own neighbourhood, at their own school, or āworst stillā to their own children – itās understandable that some parentās concerns wonāt be for that safety of their own victimised child, but for themselves to be able to reclaim āwasted moniesā. As we now live in a consumerist society, occasionally we hear of broken families, where their sole-concern is in filling their own hip pockets with some of that š°, as fractures often occur in these horse-or-cart structures. (Experienced Satire)
As examples of some Private/Elite schools in Brisbane whoāve offered out some damages-compensation-(not hush money), here are some examples + links:
As these were just a handful of examples of how a church-founded country of Australia, can be dealing with immersed control of a tax-free body, whilst still battling for equal rights of colonial-Indigenous after-effects – there are many more layers to unpack!
Elizabeth L. Jeglic Ph.D.
Protecting Children from Sexual Abuse
Posted May 6, 2021 | Reviewed by Chloe Williams
Child sexual abuse (CSA) is an adverse childhood experience (ACE) that has serious long-term consequences for those who have been victimized. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 13 boys will experience sexualabuse before they are 18. Not only are there psychological consequences to CSA, but longitudinal research has also found that CSA results in negative health, psychosocial, and socioeconomic outcomes for those who have been abused.
Many studies have examined the long-term psychological impact of CSA. A recent research review of over four million people found that those who experienced CSA are between two and three times more likely to experience the following disorders compared to adults who were not abused:
CSA is also strongly linked to drug and alcohol use, and those who experienced CSA are about 2.5 times more likely to make a suicide attempt than people who have not been abused.
It should be noted that many of the psychological consequences of CSA can take years to develop as the abuse is thought to alter brain structure and chemistry during its developmental period. For example, one study found that the average time between the abuse and the onset of depression was 11.5 years, while another studyfound an average of 9.2 years from the time of abuse to the onset of depression and 8 years until the onset of PTSD.
Numerous studies have also shown that there are long-term impacts to the physical health of those who experienced CSA. Across studies, adults who experienced CSA were 1.35 to 2.12 times more likely to report health problems such as:
As a result of these health problems, adults with a history of CSA use health care more frequently than those without a history of CSA, spending on average 16% more per year. Notably, however, a history of CSA is also associated with lower odds of having health insurance and receiving a general check-up (preventative care) in the past year.
Researchers have also documented many negative social consequences of CSA including:
Sadly, there is considerable evidence to suggest that those who have experienced CSA are also likely to be revictimized. A recent study involving 12,252 survivors found that 47.5% were sexually victimized again later in life. Similarly, there is also evidence to suggest that the children of women who have been abused are also more likely to be abused themselves, suggesting that the cycle of abuse may continue into the next generation.
From an economic perspective, it is estimated the average lifetime cost of child maltreatment (including CSA) per survivor is $830,928. Compared to adults who had not been abused, survivors of CSA were found to:
As is clear from the research, CSA significantly negatively impacts all facets of life ā not only for those who experience childhood sexual abuse themselves, but also for their loved ones and society at large. Thus, we must all do what we can to prevent sexual abuse before it happens, and provide support and services to those who have already experienced CSA.
References
For more information, see: Jeglic, E.L., & Calkins, C.A. (2018). Protecting Your Child from Sexual Abuse: What you Need to Know to Keep your Kids Safe. New York: Skyhorse Publishing.
By Esther Perel
Photo-Illustration: by The Cut; Photos: Getty Images
Esther Perel is a psychotherapist, a best-selling author, and the host of the podcast Where Should We Begin? ā sheās also a leading expert on contemporary relationships. Every other week on the show, Perel plays a voice-mail from a listener who has reached out with a specific problem, then returns their call to offer advice. This column is adapted from the podcast transcript ā the show is now part of the Vox Media Podcast Network ā and you can listen and follow for free on Apple podcasts or wherever you listen.
Simply put, I canāt tell if Iām being gaslit and this is having a very negative effect on my well-being, or if Iām just an overly sensitive person.
Anytime I put up a boundary, my partner freaks out and makes a huge deal, telling me Iām being insensitive to him. He has a big personality, is very quick-thinking and articulate, while I often find it hard to communicate. The arguments are very dramatic and intense and he never lets things go no matter how much I ask him to give me a break. He reminds me during these arguments that Iām ruining the relationship. We broke up over these arguments a few months ago, only to get back together after he assured me they wouldnāt continue.
Esther Perel: So, you wrote the question, but if you could ask it to me again as we speak today?
A newsletter about modern family life by Kathryn Jezer-Morton.
Caller: I am wondering if Iām being gaslit by my partner or if itās a case that Iām just being overly sensitive. I feel that I get certain treatment, when weāre alone, that feels very hidden, but in speaking to him, he says Iām overly sensitive, that Iām overly boundaried and that, actually, itās more that Iām treating him badly, and he gets angry at me for me being bad.
And he admits that sometimes his behavior isnāt great and heās working on it. And heās worked a lot on it. I just have no idea if Iām basically a bad person and if Iām treating him like crap and not being sensitive to him, because thatās what it sounds like.
Esther: So, tell me something ā letās just go a bit back. How did you come to formulate the question the way you do? What is the history of your relationship that led you to this question, āAm I being gaslit or am I overly sensitive?ā
Caller: So, he has a tendency ā for example, over New Yearās, we went away together, we were in the car and I wasnāt feeling well, and he just kept on shouting at me that I wasnāt being nice to him. And he was shouting at me. And originally, I thought he was joking. And I was like, āYeah, I know I am.ā But I was quite premenstrual at the time, or I was menstruating and I felt awful, so I was just a bit of a curmudgeon.
And I was like, āYeah, I know. I feel bad. Just let me feel bad.ā And he just kept on shouting, āYouāre not being nice to me! Youāre not being nice to me! Ooh!ā And we were literally going to our friendās doorstep, and he just left me there and just acted like everything was perfectly normal. And it seems to often be, as well with social settings, that weāll be going out and heāll do something to pull the rug out from underneath me and be like, āWhatās your problem?ā
Another example is, I was at therapy, and I came back and I wasnāt feeling particularly great. We had been talking about boundaries, because I do have concerns that my boundaries arenāt very good and itās something that I work on.
Esther: What do you mean by that? Thatās a big statement.
Caller: Yeah. So, I know that I donāt necessarily know how to put up boundaries. I was in a job before where, basically, I worked myself to a state of very poor health, and a lot of that had to do with working with someone who wouldnāt let me say no. So, no matter how much I was like, āIām not available,ā they just kept on pushing me.
Also, that particular industry, in that particular job, there was a real need for me. There was nobody else to do the job. I had to travel and move, and I was exhausted, but because there was such a need for me, I felt I didnāt have a choice. I let myself just get torn into that and away from my life and away from the people that I care about. And eventually, I got to a point where I completely burnt out.
Esther: And you are telling me this also because in some way something parallel is happening between you and your boyfriend?
Caller: Yeah, exactly.
Esther: Right? You are on the verge of burnout. If I ask you ā because you say, am I being gaslit or am I overly sensitive, which of course is what people who are gaslit often end up feeling is that they are being overly sensitive, that they are not clear, that theyāre doubting themselves, that theyāre confused, that they no longer trust their own sanity ā you went to look for the definition of what being gaslit means?
Caller: I definitely looked it up at some point, but I donāt quite remember it at this moment.
Esther: Right. So, without even defining the term, if you are telling me, āIām in a relationship where I donāt trust that what I think has validity. I find myself often saying I feel something and then Iām being blamed for the very thing that I just uttered. The blame is constantly shifting. I am accused of being the gaslighter, and then I end up completely confused, and it makes me question the situation.ā Itās like what we call in my field, projective identification, āYou are telling me that Iām doing to you what youāre exactly doing to me,ā and I distrust myself. I begin to question my mental health because you keep telling me that my mental health is not steady, or something happens and you tell me thatās not what happened, or that āIt is your faultā if it happened, or that āIām doing these things and Iām saying these mean things because I actually am trying to help you,ā or that āItās not such a big deal. So what if youāre menstruating? That shouldnāt explain why youāre treating me the way you are,ā or that āYou are overthinking it,ā or that āWhen Iām mean, I was just joking,ā or that āYouāre too emotional.ā
These are seven common gaslighting phrases. If any of these are continuously occurring to you or if you simply, even without that, say, āI am constantly questioning myself, Iām constantly doubting myself, Iām constantly in a state of confusion,ā et cetera, et cetera, then the answer to your question doesnāt really matter. What you know is that this is not a good situation.
Caller: But thatās the thing is ā¦ I donāt know.
Esther: Now youāre going to give me the other side, āBut we also have nice times. But when Iām about to pull away, he apologizes profusely and he promises that he will change, that heās working on it and that this will never be happening again,ā until two hours later.
Caller: Yeah.
Esther: Now, youāre going to seesaw back and forth in the ambivalence, āHere are all these things, but maybe what if he what says has validity and is true?ā
Caller: Yeah.
Esther: āAnd maybe I am indeed so insecure, and maybe I do indeed have a problem with boundaries, which, of course, Iām having with him too. So, in the end, maybe he knows me better than I know myself.ā
Caller: Yeah.
Esther: And when I say, āIām hungry,ā he says, āNo, youāre not really hungry. You shouldnāt be hungry right now.ā And Iām beginning to wonder, āWell, maybe then Iām not hungry.ā
Caller: Yeah, thatās literally what happens. Iāll be like, āOh, letās get some food,ā and heāll be like, āNo, no.ā Iām like, āWell, Iām, I need something.ā And Iāll end up getting a protein bar, something to tide me over until weāre eating, and then heāll be like, āOh, yeah, by the way, while you went into the shop to get a protein bar, I got a chicken sandwich.ā Then, Iām just like, āWhat?ā Yeah, it comes from everywhere. It feels very controlling.
Esther: Itās either reality manipulation, scapegoating, coercion, or straight-up lying. Those are probably four of the main gaslighting tactics. Shifting blames would be another. And the interesting thing, as I listen to you, is, you have the answer to your question every time you give me another example to reinforce that you actually know whatās happening.
Caller: But the thing is that he has shown me, in so many ways, that he does love me and ā¦ We have, honestly, the best time. Heās my best friend in the world. I donāt know how to lose him. And thatās the thing is, I see him as a really good person, as a really kind and warm and friendlyā¦ And if you see him with his friends, he is incredible, incredible. Itās so confusing. Exactly, again. But then he turns around and does that to me.
Esther: Now, a question I would ask him is, āWho did this to you and nobody stopped them? Who did you see do this in your family and nobody stopped them?ā
Caller: I feel that would be really hard for him. And I would be worried about, not challenging, I think, for him, something like that would be ā
Esther: But do you know?
Caller: Iād imagine I have an idea.
Esther: Thatās my question. He may be a wonderful friend, but that does not dictate how heās going to be with his girlfriends. Those two things donāt necessarily always go in sync. I would ask him, where did he learn this, and who did he see do this, and who never stopped it? And I would then ask you this parallel question ā this of course is not a question youāre going to ask him, but Iām asking that to you because you probably know him ā¦ how long are you together?
Caller: Two years.
Esther: Okay. Then, Iām going to ask you, who did you see in such a dynamic? Where did you learn not to be able to say no? Because this is not about āAm I being gaslit or am I being overly sensitive?ā Without defining, without focusing just on these two terms, youāve described the reality. Then, you say, āBut he loves me,ā and that may very much be the case as well. But he also needs to control you, but heās also intensely insecure and therefore he needs you to be one down, but he also has a hard time hearing you say āIām hungryā without instantly denying it or defying you or qualifying it or deciding if you have a right to be hungry at this moment or not because he knows better than you what your stomach needs.
So, regardless of how much he loves you, he still would need to learn to differentiate and to be able to let you have an experience, and respond caringly and compassionately to it without having to decide if your experience is valid or not before he decides how he wants to respond because heās the master and the judge.
Caller: Oh my God, yeah. That is qualifying my experience. Thatās it. Itās like every single experience I have, all of my friendships, all of my work, itās being qualified. Thatās exactly it, and being like, āYouāre doing this right and youāre doing that wrong.ā Itās like being stuck in a box. And the thing is that I know that I am brilliant and I have beautiful friendships and I was excellent at that job and Iām excellent at most things that you put in front of me, and I feel that really deeply.
I know what Iām doing, and I care about myself, and Iāve had to do a lot of work on myself, and Iām continuing to learn, and Iām conscious of where I go up and where I go down, but ā¦
Esther: And if you had a friend, since you have very good friends, if one of your friends was in a situation that is similar to yours, what would you say?
Caller: Just step away. Itās just not that easy. Weāre completely entwined in each otherās lives as well.
Esther: And then, what would you say to your friend who says, āItās not that easy. Weāve got our lives completely intertwined with each other. I have invested two years of my life here. I know he loves me, but Iām being obliterated, Iām losing my mind, Iām continuously put in a situation where I have to doubt myselfā?
Caller: Yeah, Iād be like, āIāll take care of you.ā I donāt know.
Esther: Have you spoken with your friends?
Caller: Yeah, a bit. I donāt like to speak badly about him because they all know him. So I want to honor the relationship, in a way. Iāve spoken to my sister a bit.
Esther: And has anybody said, āKeep goingā?
Caller: Yeah. Then, I had one friend who had flagged it early, and when she flagged it, that was also the time, literally the same day when I had the breakdown for work, or the day that I literally just heard from my doctor being like, āYou canāt do that job anymore.ā And I was not sleeping through the night.
And I was literally talking to him about it, and he was like, āWell, Iām thinking about maybe we should break up.ā So, he, nearly always, when Iām at a level of peak stress, heāll put something else on top. Then I never went back to work after that.
Esther: So, if you are struggling with something, he will trump you? If you bring up a feeling, heāll bring up another one that he thinks, in that moment, is more important than the one you just brought up?
Caller: Yeah, every single time. So when I was talking about that boundaries thing, he flipped. When I was back from the therapist and I was just literally standing in the kitchen being, āI just need to eat some dinner.ā So I was like, āRight, Iām just going to make myself some food. Iām gonna take care of myself, Iām gonna nourish my body.ā
And I was like, āOkay, I just need ā¦ Iām a bit weird right now, I just need a little bit of space because I,ā blah, blah, blah. Then, he started at me, and I was like, āNo, I canāt handle this right now. Iāve explained the fact that Iām feeling very vulnerable. Iām just like letting you know that.ā And he was in a great mood when I came in, and then, suddenly, he turned, and then he started shouting at me and shouting at me, and I was like, āStop shouting at me.ā
Then he freaked out about me not understanding what a boundary was, me turning my boundaries against him. Then we had this long discussion about what qualifies shouting or not, and then we literally got into the depths of what the semiotics of the word shouting is to both of us. Then he made me say that he hadnāt been shouting at me in terms of the way that he understands the word āshouting.ā
Esther: So, you covered all four, right?
Caller: Yeah.
Esther: You covered the coercive strategies, you covered the shifting of the blame, you covered the questioning of your reality, you covered the manipulation, the disqualifying. So, youāve answered your question.
Caller: Yeah.
Esther: What has made it so difficult for you to know that you have to go or to act on it? Where does your challenge come from in terms of saying no, in terms of saying, āThis is what I know I need to do, and Iāll deal with the consequences. In fact, Iāll be liberated. Iāll suddenly realize how much Iāve been hijacked and what kind of a hostage situation this has been. And I will be able to, once again, liberate myself with my friends, and then my friends are going to start telling me how they had noticed it, that and the other, and Iām going to say, āHow come you never told me?ā And theyāll tell me, āWe kept trying to tell you but you couldnāt hear it because you were completely enveloped in this saga.āā
Caller: Yeah, itās bizarre. I know that youāre right, I know that.
Esther: You are brilliant. Youāve answered your questions. You have your answer. This is not a question of discernment, this is a question of, youāve tried it before, you may try it again, heās going to beg you, heās going to plead with you, heās going to be his best self for half an hour, and he may be a perfectly good, kind person, but heās got some things to deal with if heās going to be in a relationship.
Caller: Yeah.
Esther: And so do you.
Caller: Yeah. Well, yeah, I think thatās the thing ā if Iāve tried so hard, and Iām 35, Iāve been in enough relationships, and he genuinely has worked a lot on himself, and I can see how heās come along in a big way.
Esther: Do you know what?
Caller: What?
Esther: I donāt know what you mean, because every example youāve given shows me somebody who has very little ability to see what he does. And, of course, for any gaslighter there must be a person that is letting themselves be gaslit. These two go together.
Caller: Yeah.
Esther: But there hasnāt been a situation where you describe him saying, āI realize, I notice, I take responsibility, Iām sorry, I was projecting, I was dumping.ā
Caller: Well, he has done that.
Esther: When? When you leave?
Caller: No. We do talk after these things happen. Iāve been listening to you forever. I never knew that he knew about you, and he sent me something, one of your YouTube videos about when couples get to an impasse, and he was like, āLetās look at this and letās talk about this based on the tools that are there.ā And I really appreciate that.
I can see him trying. But the thing is, weāre actually at a point right now where weāre not really speaking, and I asked for the keys back for my flat after everything that happened that Iāve been talking about recently. It was too much.
Esther: That piece of your excusing him and analyzing and justifying and excusing his behavior is part of the gaslit cycle.
Caller: Okay.
Esther: āHeās doing this but he doesnāt really mean to do this, he feels bad about it afterwards, and so, now, I need to make him feel better about him making me feel bad.ā
Caller: Yeah, yes. Yes.
Esther: This is twisted.
Caller: Completely twisted. Because I was on the phone to him yesterday. I wanted to let him know that I was going to be speaking to you because I thought that that was respectful. I also was like, āLook, in the long run, I feel weāve been running on what I want. I just want to know what you want.ā
Then, of course, it came back around to how much all of his friends told him that heās great, and then I, of course, was like, āWell, youāre a great person, and I want you to know that youāre a good person.ā And I do think that, but it still comes around to having this treatment, and I still seem to be the person going to him telling him that heās good, and then Iām the bad guy again.
Esther: And does that come from him as well, āYouāre a wonderful personā?
Caller: No. I get, āYouāre a lovely person.ā
Esther: āYouāre a lovely person,ā okay. If you are indeed such close friends, and if heās indeed such a wonderful person, then you may want to find this relational structure that will actually highlight that. Being his friend may give you much more of the wonderful qualities that he has than being his girlfriend.
Caller: Yeah, thatās true.
Esther: At least for right now. So, he can stay in your life. Itās not clear that he will. Generally, when that dynamic occurs, itās more common that the person will be more vindictive and not want anything to do with you. Theyāll try, theyāll come back, theyāll come back until they finally realize that maybe theyāre not going to get what they want, and then theyāll say, āFuck you.ā
But if he does stay, have him in your life, but have him in the structure of a relationship that gives you access to the best qualities that he has. If heās such a wonderful friend, be a friend.
Caller: But I love him.
Esther: That is a wonderful thing, but that doesnāt mean you need to make a life in that dynamic.
Caller: Yeah.
Esther: It doesnāt change if people donāt actively take ownership over what they do to create this kind of dynamic, and that means you and him.
Caller: Yeah. One of the reasons that I contacted you is, I know that Iām autonomous in this relationship, but itās really hard to admit that Iāve let somebody walk all over me and that I havenāt been strong enough to tell them to piss off. It makes me question myself so much more.
Esther: Which is one of the reasons why these dynamics sometimes go on for a long time, because he has his denial. His denial is to shift the blame on you. But you have your denial, which is, āThis isnāt really happening. I could walk away at any time. I am a strong woman, I am autonomous. Nobody tells me what to do.ā But in fact, thatās not whatās happening. So, itās one denial meeting another denial, so to speak.
Caller: Yeah. I hear you.
Esther: And what you just said, āBut I love him,ā so what? I hear you, itās a deep feeling, but the question remains, and what do you want to do? That your feelings of love are mired into a relationship that is ultimately going to make you lose your entire sense of yourself.
Caller: Yeah.
Esther: So, you will continue to say, āI love him,ā but the āIā will have dissolved in the process.
Itās not easy. Youāre going to surround yourself with friends, and youāre going to have to be honest with your friends and let them know whatās going on, not by blaming him, but by telling them that you found yourself in a relationship where instead of increasingly becoming bolder and stronger and more recognized, itās all the reverse that is happening.
And thatās not because of what he does only. If, on the other end, you say, āI want to do some couples work and I want us to both go and deal with this dynamic,ā go ahead. It wonāt change alone. Somebody has to see this in action to be able to intervene. Each of you will make perfect sense when you talk alone to your own respective therapists.
Caller: Yeah. Couples counseling is on the cards right now. Weāve seen a couples counselor before and it didnāt ā¦ she wasnāt great. And my concern is that heās going to charm them, and he is not going to show the truth of the dynamic when thereās another person present.
Esther: Then, youāll put that on the table too.
Caller: Yeah.
Esther: A good clinician sees the invisible and sometimes hears the inaudible.
Caller: Thank goodness for you, and thank goodness for this phone call, Itās just like clearing the clouds from my brain.
Esther: Look, Iām going to ask the question again, and then we are going to say good-bye. But it is the question that you didnāt answer, which is, where does your challenge come from? Because you couldnāt say, āSaying no is difficult for me, so I found a person with whom I can practice that muscle.ā These things are a mindfuck.
Caller: Yeah.
Esther: But you may want to say, āI wanna practice my no, and I found the best place to do so because here is a person who doesnāt hear any of them. So, I practice boundaries with somebody who doesnāt respect any of them or sees them all as an attack on him or sees them as a weakness of mine, but theyāre all qualified.ā
Or you may say, āThat doesnāt have to be the way Iām looking for a relationship.ā I know youāre 35 and I know that you love him and I know that you think youāve had your share, but maybe that should bring you also a level of awareness that says, āIs this how I want to live?ā
Caller: But I think thatās the thing, itās, I donāt know how Iāll have a healthy and wholesome relationship. I just keep on seeming to get battered or something.
Esther: āWhy do I, a smart, accomplished, professional, insightful, autonomous woman, find myself in relationships with men where I end up in this kind of battered position?ā That is a very powerful question.
Caller: Yeah.
Esther: āAnd how do I learn to see it sooner rather than later?ā
Caller: Yeah.
Esther: āAnd how do I say, āIām breaking the cycle,ā and then act on it?ā Is this a good place to stop?
Caller: In my head, Iām only just beginning.
Esther: Because Iām leaving you with some big questions rather than slap answers, because you have the answer. To the question that you came with, you know the answer before you came. To what is the cycle that you are repeating, we didnāt get to, but we suspect there is one because this is not your first time. Different melodies for the same dance.
If we were seeing each other regularly, this would be the moment where I say, āTo be continued.ā But it will be continued, but without me. But Iām inviting you to take this and do something with it.
Caller: I will. Thank you.
By political reporter Matthew Doran
Posted Wed 3 May 2023 at 10:34pmWednesday 3 May 2023 at 10:34pm
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Survivors of horrific child sexual abuse are being promised an easier and less traumatic route to getting compensation, while some people currently in jail will soon be allowed access to financial support.
The federal government has released its response to a review of the National Redress Scheme for people who experienced institutional child sexual abuse, wholly or partially supporting 34 of 38 recommendations to improve the way it operates.
The review, led by former senior public servant Robyn Kruk, echoed the sentiments of many who had made applications for redress over the course of its existence ā that it was an overly complicated process which regularly caused distress for victims forced to recount their experiences in terrible graphic detail.
Survivors and advocates have complained the scheme is a bureaucratic nightmare, and there is a lack of consistency in judging claims for redress and providing payments.
The maximum amount of compensation remains at $150,000, with some critical that few applications are ever deemed to be worthy of such a payment.
Restrictions on some people serving jail terms from accessing the scheme will be eased, and the eligibility rules for people with criminal records will be tweaked.
Abuse victims convicted for serious offences, such as murder or sexual assault, will still have to go through a separate application process “to ensure public confidence in the Scheme is maintained”.
“Better targeting would see fewer survivors undergo the special assessment process before a decision on their eligibility for redress is made, which is currently leading to unnecessary delays in survivors accessing their redress outcome,” the response stated.
Greater guidance will be given to staff at the scheme on how to assess child sexual abuse stemming from medical procedures, after concerns some claims were dismissed because the abuse was dressed up as legitimate treatment for health conditions.
But the federal government has rejected calls to remove references to “penetrative sexual abuse” when making calls on the severity of claims.
“Making broad changes to the Assessment Framework at this point in the Scheme would constitute a fundamental change to the Scheme’s design and operation, risking the viability of institutional participation which is essential for survivors being able to access redress,” the report said.
“Such major changes would also introduce complex issues of equity and re-traumatisation risks, noting the Scheme has issued over 12,000 outcomes to redress applicants.”
It has also refused to make the framework public, because it said there was a “risk of re-traumatising survivors because of the necessarily descriptive content”.
Eligibility to apply for redress will be extended to former child migrants, who are not Australian citizens or permanent residents.
The names of senior officials involved in considering redress claims are now provided to applicants when their case is finalised, to allay concerns from some abuse survivors their cases are being considered by “faceless” staff.
A proposal to change the way redress claims are considered ā that a “reasonable likelihood” abuse occurred be enough to prove a claim ā has also been rejected by the government.
Extra support services for survivors, and for staff poring over the details of their abuse, will also be provided.
The response argued the legislation is already prescriptive in the way claims should be judged.
“While it has taken longer than expected to carefully consider all Review recommendations and their implications, we have still been forging ahead with improvements,” Social Services Minister Amanda Rishworth said.
“The Government’s main concern is the wellbeing of survivors, and ensuring the Redress process is as smooth as possible.”
The cost of the changes remains unclear, with the details to be revealed in next Tuesday’s budget.
Other recommendations from the review have already been acted on.
They include the proposal for advance payments of $10,000 to be made to Indigenous applicants and people making claims who are terminally ill, and changes to the indexation rules for payments.
The minister said more than $1 billion had been paid in redress payments since 2018, and that more than 600 institutions have signed up to the national redress scheme.
PostedĀ 3 May 2023
This article is more than 3 months old
Judge finds Australian Catholic order should not benefit from its āown inactionā in not speaking to known abuser before he died
@knauscFri 5 May 2023 12.56 AEST
A Catholic order has lost its latest attempt to use the death of a known paedophile clergy member to shield itself from allegations of child sexual abuse after a judge found that allowing such a course would ābring the administration of justice into disreputeā.
In recent months, the Guardian has revealed how the Catholic church, in particular its Marist Brothers and Christian Brothers orders, is increasingly using the deaths of clergy members to argue for permanent stays of cases brought by abuse survivors in the civil courts.
The church, which for decades covered up sexual abuse and thwarted justice for victims and survivors, has been emboldened by a win in New South Walesās highest court last year, which found a perpetratorās death made a fair trial impossible.
In a more recent case, the Marist Brothers argued that the death of notorious paedophile Brother Francis āRomualdā Cable rendered it unable to fairly defend itself from a civil claim by a survivor known by the pseudonym of Mark Peters, because it can no longer call Cable as a witness.
The Marist Brothers made that argument despite the fact that Cable was alive for 22 months after Peters first notified it of his claim. After learning of Petersās claim in October 2020, it did nothing to seek a response from Cable before he died in September 2022. Cable was 88 years old and behind bars when the Marist Brothers learned of the impending case.
On Friday, the NSW supreme court rejected the churchās attempts to use Cableās death to justify a permanent stay.
āThe defendant should not, in my view, have the benefit of its own inaction,ā justice Nicholas Chen found.
āThe defendantās alleged inability to meaningfully deal with the claim is, I find, a product of its own unreasonable failure to attempt to make contact with Cable, and to take steps to secure his evidence.
āIn my view, to accept otherwise would, adopting what was said by [former chief justice Thomas Bathurst], āitself bring the administration of justice into disreputeā.ā
Court documents allege the Marist Brothers have known of abuse complaints against Cable since 1967, but concealed his crimes from police and other authorities for decades and instead shuffled him between its schools, where he continued to abuse children.
The Marist Brothers argued to the court that it didnāt seek a response from Cable to Petersās allegations while he was alive because he had earlier rebuffed them in 2015 and said he did not want to have any more contact with the orderās leadership team.
But the court rejected that submission for five separate reasons. It found that 2015 was a particularly sensitive time for Cable, given he had just been convicted for child abuse and was awaiting sentence, meaning he may have been more likely to want to talk five years later, if the Marist Brothers had attempted to contact him again.
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The court also found that Cable may have been willing to talk to a lawyer or investigator, rather than a member of Maristās leadership team.
Cable had also subsequently pleaded guilty to a raft of other child abuse charges in the period after the Marist Brothers approached him in 2015. He knew he would likely be in jail until he died, the court found. That āsuggests that Cable, if contacted, may well have agreed to discuss what happened to the plaintiffā.
āAt an absolute minimum, I consider that the defendant should have attempted ā on an ongoing basis ā contact with Cable following the letter notifying the defendant of the plaintiffās intent to commence proceedings in 2020, and those steps should have been intensified once proceedings had been commenced,ā Chen ruled.
āAs it happens, nothing was done by the defendant to ascertain whether Cable would speak to them, their lawyers or investigators about the plaintiffās claim.
āI do not accept that the defendant can simply stand back and do nothing, which is what has occurred here.ā
It is unclear whether the Marist Brothers will attempt to appeal the ruling. But the win allows Peters to proceed with his case and either agree to a settlement or take it to trial.