Beginning to tap into the growing area of Child Abuse: Emotional Abuse will be first of the list of (hidden) moments which more of our children are being exposed to. Although it it is a part of the much wider ecosystem that is concerning aging & recent surviving-victims of child sexual abuse (in their younger years), the lifelong results are only beginning to be realised. Following are links to some articles, discussing things from supporting children and young people, defining ECA, why kids need to escape family violence & to cutting off contact:
While some of these readings may cause tensions, it’s best to stop reading – get your mind onto something relaxing – coming back to the remaining (when you can). We’ll try to work on providing Spoken-text versions of our Article’s, as concentration + PTSD + CSA may be connected.
Australia’s National Redress Scheme | RSS Redress Support Services continues to offer Counselling, amongst its services. While some Surviving-Victims may have received other amounts from NRS, including Redress + Apologies – Counselling is a worthwhile external service for CSA victims, their family-friends & other community members. I’m finally bringing a Support Worker into these NRS Sessions, which is dealing with many (hidden) secrets! RSS offer face-to-face, online and telephone support.
Still wondering why our emotions was chosen as the 1st topic? Our emotions reveal so much of our true nature, which power and control try to manipulate. If nothing can be seen as wrong, nothing can be proven – right? Through focus on parts of our emotions, there is still a huge focus on ‘unpacking the box of mysteries’. As such, this post can be our beginning of each of our related matters. These emotional abuse posts go on further …
While everyone may perceive neglect differently, emotional neglect in childhood generally refers to when a child doesn’t experience emotional security or support from their guardian figures. Our emotions may have been completely ignored or invalidated—purposefully or unconsciously—or we might have been explicitly shamed for expressing our feelings.
Emotional neglect is considered a form of trauma, as it can have long-lasting and profound effects on a person’s emotional and psychological well-being.
— DANIEL RINALDI, MHC
This form of neglect can occur when a caregiver is not present, but when they are present they are emotionally unavailable, if the parent is ill-equipped to handle childhood emotions, or if the parent is purposefully dismissive.
“Emotional neglect is considered a form of trauma, as it can have long-lasting and profound effects on a person’s emotional and psychological well-being,” says therapist Daniel Rinaldi, MHC. He adds that chronic emotional neglect can shape our emotional landscape as adults by affecting our self-esteem and impacting our interpersonal relationships.
Ongoing childhood emotional neglect is a form of child abuse and can lead to lasting trauma. This trauma can make it hard to develop a healthy relationship with others and with ourselves. We might even engage in self-sabotaging behaviors.
Therapy can teach us how to properly identify and label our emotions so that we can deal with them in a healthy way and begin to truly heal.
How Do I Know If I Was Emotionally Neglected as a Child?
Raising children is highly nuanced and inherently difficult; there’s no doubt that our parents or caregivers made mistakes along the way. However, chronic emotional neglect is not the norm, and its ripple effects follow us well into adulthood.
“Emotional neglect can be hard to spot because it is not always visible—even to a professional,” says Aurisha Smolarski, LMFT, founder of Cooperative Coparenting. “It is also hard to spot because it tends to be based less on what a parent does and more on what they don’t do.”
Smolarski says that emotional neglect can be either intentional or unintentional, or even unconscious.
Some parents emotionally neglect their children because they’re uncomfortable with emotions in general and are unsure of how to respond to the complex feelings a child experiences.
Other parents are too overwhelmed with the stress in their own life—including struggles with addiction, work-life balance, child-rearing, and mental health issues. Smolarski also notes that parents who experienced abuse or neglect themselves may be more likely to neglect their own children.
What Are Some Examples of Childhood Emotional Neglect?
Here are some signs of childhood emotional neglect. This isn’t an exhaustive list, but it provides a general idea of what emotional neglect looks like:
Punishment for expressing negative emotions like sadness, frustration, or anger (e.g., being told to go to your room or be quiet)
Lack of shared celebration or joy when experiencing a positive emotion like happiness or excitement (it might even present as zapping the positive emotion with a negative response)
Being told your feelings or experiences aren’t valid or worth further examination (example phrases might include “You’re too sensitive,” “Stop acting like a baby” or “Don’t worry about it.”)
Dismissed or ignored feelings because the parent is focused on themselves or another situation
Withholding or not showing affection, whether it is explicitly requested or not
Failure to intervene or find a solution in situations when a child is under emotional stress
Not acknowledging difficult emotions like grief after losing a pet or embarrassment after being bullied (often because the parent struggles to recognize or process these emotions themselves)
How Does Emotional Neglect in Childhood Affect Us as Adults?
Those of us who were emotionally neglected as children often develop behavior patterns or coping mechanisms. Any of the following might be indicative of emotional neglect in childhood.
Emotional neglect can be either intentional or unintentional, or even unconscious.
Difficulty Expressing and Processing Emotions
Childhood emotional neglect can cause us to avoid emotions all together in adulthood. We may struggle to identify our feelings or find it difficult to process big feelings.
There might also be a general sense of “numbness,” which is ultimately a form of self-protection. Smolarski adds, “They may choose to leave a relationship or situation instead of asking for something they need because that feels safer than the risk of rejection.”
They may withdraw or isolate from social or peer groups because they feel different and because they fear being asked to talk about how they feel.
— AURISHA SMOLARSKI, LMFT
On the other side of the coin, Smolarski says that if we’ve been emotionally neglected as kids, we might end up becoming the “caretaker” or “burden holder” of our friends and family.
Essentially, addressing other people’s emotions and needs allows us to feel worthy, loved, needed, and good enough. This can backfire if we end up focusing so much on others that we fail to prioritize ourselves.
We May Have a Super Hard Time Trusting Other People
Sometimes it feels safer to put up walls so that no one else can get in and potentially hurt us. We’re simply trying to protect ourselves.
So, if we’ve experienced pain in the past we might end relationships the moment we feel threatened or avoid relationships completely.
Vulnerability and opening up to other people may feel scary too which limits the ability to connect with others. “They may withdraw or isolate from social or peer groups because they feel different and because they fear being asked to talk about how they feel,” Smolarski notes.
She adds that some might even self-sabotage their relationships to avoid feeling abandoned, rejected, or neglected. And those who find themselves in close relationships may struggle to access or voice their own emotions, which can negatively impact the relationship.
Our Self-Esteem May Take a Hit
Rinaldi says that chronic childhood neglect can often cause people to have low self-worth. If our self-esteem is low, we might write off our own emotions or even let people walk all over us.
Low self-esteem may also cause struggles with self-compassion and self-love.
We May Try to Cope in Some Not-So-Healthy Ways
In some cases, childhood emotional neglect can present with poor coping techniques as an adult. Bonnie Scott, LPC-S, founder of Mindful Kindness Counseling, says this is often because people who’ve been neglected have trouble trusting their own experience of emotions and needs.
“They may meet those needs in maladaptive ways, like becoming codependent on people who aren’t good for them or showing people-pleasing behaviors to keep people around,” Scott says. They might also rely on drugs or alcohol to get them through a difficult emotion or become addicted to shopping, porn, online usage, risky sex, or food.
How Emotional Neglect Causes Trauma
Rinaldi says that emotional neglect can impact someone’s life—even if it occurs only once or twice—though it is even more profound and complex when there’s a chronic pattern extended over a period of time.
Ongoing Neglect Is Child Abuse
Ongoing emotional neglect is considered a form of child abuse. According to the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services, it’s a traumatic experience that, if severe or continued over a long period of time, can affect a child’s development.1
“Trauma can cause changes in the brain and nervous system that in turn lead to difficulty expressing emotions, lower self-esteem, shame, or guilt,” Smolarski says. “Children suffering from the trauma of neglect can have behavioral issues at home and in school and may struggle to form and maintain relationships in childhood and as adults.”
More severe neglect can lead to substance abuse, the tendency to engage in risky behavior, and long-term mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).2
If you experienced childhood emotional neglect, know that you’re not alone. So many of us have survived this kind of abuse.
Making the effort to heal this wound is a sign of bravery, and can be done at any age.
— AURISHA SMOLARSKI, LMFT
Fortunately, healing is possible. There’s so much room for personal growth and a pathway to improved self-worth. Trust and emotional intimacy can be learned over time with patience and a strong support system. We can have and deserve fulfilling relationships.
“Remember that there is nothing wrong or bad about you or your emotions,” Smolarski says. “We all have emotions. It’s just that you didn’t have someone to reflect them back to you, to teach you that your emotions are welcome and valid, and to help you regulate them. Making the effort to heal this wound is a sign of bravery, and can be done at any age.”
Therapy Can Help
She adds that this process often requires professional support, such as therapy. Therapy allows us to explore past experiences, process unresolved emotions, and develop healthier coping strategies and communication skills.
In therapy, we can learn how to identify and label emotions accurately, develop self-compassion and self-acceptance, and figure out how to set and maintain healthy boundaries.
“Outside of professional settings, individuals can prioritize their emotional well-being through various self-care activities, such as engaging in activities that bring joy and fulfillment, practicing mindfulness and meditation to cultivate self-awareness, and journaling to express and process emotions,” Smolarski adds.
Dysregulation, or emotional dysregulation, is an inability to control or regulate one’s emotional responses, which can lead to significant mood swings, significant changes in mood, or emotional lability. It can involve many emotions, including sadness, anger, irritability, and frustration.
While dysregulation is typically thought of as a childhood problem that usually resolves itself as a child learns proper emotional regulation skills and strategies, dysregulation may continue into adulthood.
For these individuals, emotional dysregulation can lead to a lifetime of struggles, including problems with interpersonal relationships, school performance, and the inability to function effectively in a job or at work.
Press Play for Advice On Regulating Your Emotions
Hosted by therapist Amy Morin, LCSW, this episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast shares how to deal with your emotions in any circumstance that may come your way. Click below to listen now.
Why is it that some people have no trouble remaining calm, cool, and collected while others fall apart at the first instance of something going wrong in their life?
The answer is that there are likely multiple causes; however, there is one that has been consistently shown in the research literature. That cause is early psychological trauma resulting from abuse or neglect on the part of the caregiver.1 This results in something known as a reactive attachment disorder.
In addition, a parent who has emotional dysregulation will also struggle to teach their child how to regulate emotions. Since children are not naturally born with emotional regulation coping skills, having a parent who cannot model effective coping puts a child at risk for emotional dysregulation themselves.
Is Dysregulation a Mental Disorder?
While dysregulation isn’t necessarily a mental disorder (or a sign of one), we know that emotional dysregulation in childhood can be a risk factor for later mental disorders. Some disorders are also more likely to involve emotional dysregulation.
Below is a list of the disorders most commonly associated with emotional dysregulation:2
When emotional dysregulation appears as part of a diagnosed mental disorder, it typically involves a heightened sensitivity to emotional stimuli and a lessened ability to return to a normal emotional state within a reasonable amount of time.
What Are Signs of Dysregulation?
In general, emotional dysregulation involves having emotions that are overly intense in comparison to the situation that triggered them. This can mean not being able to calm down, avoiding difficult emotions, or focusing your attention on the negative. Most people with emotional dysregulation also behave in an impulsive manner when their emotions (fear, sadness, or anger) are out of control.
Below are some examples of what it looks like when someone is experiencing emotional dysregulation.
Your romantic partner cancels plans and you decide they must not love you and you end up crying all night and binging on junk food.
The bank teller says they can’t help you with a particular transaction and you’ll need to come back the next day. You have an angry outburst, yell at the teller, and throw a pen across the counter at them.
You attend a company dinner and everyone seems to be talking and having fun while you feel like an outsider. After the event, you go home and overeat to numb your emotional pain. This is also an example of poor coping mechanisms and emotional eating.
Emotional dysregulation can also mean that you have trouble recognizing the emotions that you are experiencing when you become upset. It might mean that you feel confused by your emotions, guilty about your emotions, or are overwhelmed by your emotions to the point that you can’t make decisions or manage your behavior.
Note that the behaviors of emotional dysregulation may show up differently in children, involving temper tantrums, outbursts, crying, refusing to make eye contact or speak, etc.
Impact of Emotional Dysregulation
Being unable to manage your emotions and their effects on your behavior can have a range of negative effects on your adult life. For instance:
You might have trouble sleeping.
You might struggle to let experiences go or hold grudges longer than you should.
You might get into minor arguments that you blow out of proportion to the point that you end up ruining relationships.
You might experience negative effects on your social, work, or school functioning.
You might develop a mental disorder later in life because of a poor ability to regulate your emotions (e.g., depression)
Problems complying with requests from teachers or parents
Problems making and keeping friends
Reduced ability to focus on tasks
How Do You Fix Dysregulation?
The two main options for treating emotion dysregulation are medication and therapy, depending on the individual situation. Let’s take a look at each of these in turn.
Medication may be used to treat emotion dysregulation when it is part of a larger mental disorder. For example, ADHD will be treated with stimulants, depression will be treated with antidepressants, and other issues might be treated with antipsychotics.
In terms of therapy for emotional dysregulation, the main treatment method has been what is known as dialectical behavior therapy(DBT).3 This form of therapy was originally developed by Marsha Linehan in the 1980s to treat individuals experiencing BPD.4
In general, this type of therapy involves improving mindfulness, validating your emotions, and engaging in healthy habits. It also teaches the skills needed to regulate your emotions. Through DBT, you learn to focus on the present moment, how to become aware of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and how to deal with stressful situations.
DBT argues that there are three “states of mind:”4
Reasonable mind refers to being logical and rational.
Emotional mind refers to your moods and sensations.
Wise mind refers to the combination of your reasonable mind and your emotional mind.
DBT is about showing you that you can see situations as shades of grey rather than all black and white (in other words, combining your emotional mind and logic mind).
If you’ve just experienced a stressful situation or crisis and want to try a little DBT at home, pull out a journal and answer these questions.
What was the event that caused you distress?
What did you think about in the situation? (Write down three main thoughts.)
How did these thoughts make you feel? (Write down any physical symptoms, things you did like crying, or feelings like being upset.)
What was the consequence of the thoughts you had?
The goal of DBT is to balance your emotions with logic to obtain more positive outcomes from the situations that you find stressful. The goal is also to teach you to become more aware of the connections between your thoughts, feelings, and actions. In this way, it’s expected that you will be able to better manage your emotions in your daily life.
If you are a parent of a child who struggles with emotion dysregulation, you might be wondering what you can do to support your child. It is true that children learn emotion regulation skills from their parents. You have the ability to teach your child how to manage emotions rather than become overwhelmed by them. Here are some ways you can support them:
Your child also needs to know that they can reach out to you for help and comfort when needed. Having a supportive and reliable parent figure in their life will help to protect them against problems with emotional dysregulation.
Recognize your own limitations. Do you have a mental disorder or have you struggled with your own emotion regulation skills? If so, you and your child might benefit from you receiving treatment or therapy to build up your own resilience. When you are better able to manage your own distress, then you will be able to offer the most support to your child.
Lead by example. In addition, the best way to teach your child how to manage their emotions is not to demand that they behave in a certain way or punish them for acting out. Rather, the best option is to model the desired behavior yourself that you want them to adopt.
Adjust accordingly. It can be helpful to start to recognize triggers for your child’s behavior and have a back-up plan of effective ways to deal with acting out. For example, if your child always has a tantrum when you take them to buy shoes, try picking out a pair in their size and bringing them home for them to try on.
Maintain consistent routines. Children who struggle with emotion dysregulation benefit from predictability and consistency.5 Your child needs to know that you will be there for them when they need you and that they can rely on you to be the calming presence. When your own emotions are out of control, then it is much more likely that your child will be unable to manage their own emotions.
Seek accommodations or additional support. If your child is in school, it is also important that you talk to their teacher about their problems with emotion regulation. Talk about the strategies that you use at home and how your child might need extra help in the classroom or reminders on how to calm down. If your child has a diagnosed disorder, they may be on a special education plan that allows accommodations or gives them extra help. Be sure to take advantage of that.
Reward positive behavior. If you see your child acting in ways that are positive for emotion management, comment on those positive behaviors. Find ways to reward emotion management successes so that they will become more frequent.
Whether it’s you, your child, or someone you know who struggles with emotion dysregulation, it is important to know that this is something that can improve over time. In fact, 88% of those diagnosed with BPD are not predicted to meet criteria 10 years down the road.6 This goes to show that emotion regulation strategies can be learned and are very helpful for improving your situation and living the best life possible.
Regardless of your current circumstances, you can make changes that will result in improved social, school, and work functioning. You can learn to manage the stressful situations that cause you pain and work through past hurts or mistreatment that led you to where you are today.
By Arlin Cuncic, MA Arlin Cuncic, MA, is the author of “Therapy in Focus: What to Expect from CBT for Social Anxiety Disorder” and “7 Weeks to Reduce Anxiety.” She has a Master’s degree in psychology.
For survivors of childhood sexual abuse, reading the details of the crimes can provoke a wide range of difficult emotions.
Some will feel vindicated and relieved that action is being taken, but anxious as the matter makes its way through the legal process, says Hetty Johnston, executive director of child protection advocacy organisation Bravehearts.
Others may be triggered by reading details of the abuse.
“For many survivors, they may have witnessed other people actually not make it to today as a result of what’s happened to them,” adds Tarja Malone, who manages the helpline at the Blue Knot Foundation, which supports adults impacted by childhood trauma.
“Sometimes there’s a lot of grief and loss for those who haven’t made it to today as a result of the abuse they’ve endured.”
If you’re feeling emotional after reading coverage of sexual abuse — or you’re supporting a loved one in that situation — there are several things these experts recommend.
Whether it’s social media or the news, “it’s good advice for people to limit how much media they digest around this if they’re feeling triggered,” says Ms Malone.
If you’re feeling panicky or anxious, don’t feel “compelled to keep digesting information about it over and over again”.
When you see details of child sexual abuse in the news, actively deciding not to read the details of the crime might prevent you from feeling overwhelmed, explains psychotherapist Rita Barnett, who has worked with survivors of sexual violence.
“If you do read the details, try not to picture it or use your imagination when you’re reading the words; just try to separate them as much as you can,” Ms Barnett says.
“When you have a vivid picture in your mind, it’s very hard to remove that.”
Lean on support systems
Don’t bottle up how you’re feeling.
Reach out to friends or your counsellor, even your GP — anyone who understands your background and why this might be difficult for you.
“Speak to your friends, speak to your therapist — keep talking,” says Ms Johnston.
“If you don’t have those kinds of supports at the moment, then calling some of the helplines available would be a really good idea,” Ms Malone says.
If talking is really difficult, Carolyn Worth from the CASA (Centres Against Sexual Assault) Forum and manager at South Eastern Centre Against Sexual Assault suggests writing down how you’re feeling.
“Some people write a letter to someone — they’re not going to send it, but they write it out and they get some structure to their thoughts in some way.”
Other people find it useful to write a journal, she adds.
Spend time on self-care
There’s plenty you can do to help yourself feel better.
It may sound simple, but keeping to a routine, getting plenty of rest and exercise, and eating regular meals can help you feel more settled.
“Don’t suddenly decide to eat a whole packet of Tim Tams, because it won’t make you feel better in the long run,” Ms Worth says.
“And don’t have eight cups of coffee, which will hype you up.”
Childhood emotional abuse and neglect can result in permanent changes to the developing human brain. These changes in brain structure appear to be significant enough to potentially cause psychological and emotional problems in adulthood, such as psychological disorders and substance misuse.
The National Redress Scheme started on 1 July 2018 and will run for 10 years. You can find information about the Scheme at Nationalredress.gov.auexternal resource or you can call the National Redress Scheme on 1800 737 377 Monday to Friday 8am to 5pm local time.
Finding help and support
The work of this Commission, and particularly the stories of survivors, may bring up many strong feelings and questions. Be assured you are not alone, and that there are many services and support groups available to assist in dealing with these. Some options for advice and support are listed below:
24/7 telephone and online crisis support, information and immediate referral to specialist counselling for anyone in Australia who has experienced or been impacted by sexual assault, or domestic or family violence.
STATES in Australia offer their own range of Counselling & Support (Psychological).
How Abuse Alters Brain Structure
As children grow, their brains undergo periods of rapid development. Negative experiences can disrupt those developmental periods, leading to changes in the brain later on.
Research supports this idea and suggests that the timing and duration of childhood abuse can impact the way it affects those children later in life. Abuse that occurs early in childhood for a prolonged period of time, for example, can lead to particularly negative outcomes.2
Dr. Martin Teicher and his colleagues at McLean Hospital, Harvard Medical School, and Northeastern University studied this relationship between abuse and brain structure by using magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) technology to identify measured changes in brain structure among young adults who had experienced childhood abuse or neglect.3
They found clear differences in nine brain regions between those who had experienced childhood trauma and those who had not. The most obvious changes were in the brain regions that help balance emotions and impulses, as well as self-aware thinking. The study’s results indicate that people who have been through childhood abuse or neglect do have an increased risk of developing mental health issues later on.
Childhood abuse and neglect can have several negative effects on how the brain develops. Some of these are:4
Decreased size of the corpus callosum, which integrates cortical functioning—motor, sensory, and cognitive performances—between the hemispheres
Decreased size of the hippocampus, which is important in learning and memory
Dysfunction at different levels of the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, which is involved in the stress response
Less volume in the prefrontal cortex, which affects behavior, emotional balance, and perception
Overactivity in the amygdala, which is responsible for processing emotions and determining reactions to potentially stressful or dangerous situations
Reduced volume of the cerebellum, which can affect motor skills and coordination
Press Play for Advice On Healing Childhood Wounds
This episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast, featuring award-winning actress Chrissy Metz, shares how to heal childhood trauma, safeguard your mental health, and how to get comfortable when faced with difficult emotions. Click below to listen now.
Effects on Behavior, Emotions, and Social Function
Because childhood abuse, neglect, and trauma change brain structure and chemical function, maltreatment can also affect the way children behave, regulate emotions, and function socially. These potential effects include:
Being constantly on alert and unable to relax, no matter the situation
Feeling fearful most or all of the time
Finding social situations more challenging
Not hitting developmental milestones in a timely fashion
A tendency to develop a mental health condition
A weakened ability to process positive feedback
These effects can continue to cause issues in adulthood if they’re not addressed. Adults who experienced maltreatment during childhood may have trouble with interpersonal relationships—or they may avoid them altogether.1
This outcome could be related to attachment theory, or the idea that our early relationships with caregivers influence the way we relate to people later on in life. Emotional abuse and neglect don’t allow for a secure attachment to form between a child and caregiver, which causes distress for the child and influences the way they see themselves and others.
Adults who went through childhood emotional abuse or neglect may also experience:1
How childhood abuse or neglect affects children later in life depends on a variety of factors:
How often the abuse occurred
The age the child was during the abuse
Who the abuser was
Whether or not the child had a dependable, loving adult in their life
How long the abuse lasted
If there were any interventions in the abuse
The kind and severity of the abuse
Other individual factors
Through treatment, it is possible to address the effects of childhood emotional abuse and neglect. Treatment in these cases is highly individual since maltreatment can take many forms and each person’s response to it may differ.
Any form of treatment would likely include therapy and, depending on whether or not any other mental health conditions are present, may include medication as well. Some effective forms of therapy are:5
Exposure therapy: Exposure therapy involves interacting with something that typically provokes fear while slowly learning to remain calm. This form of therapy may improve neural connections between several regions in the brain.
Family therapy: Family therapy is a psychological treatment intended to improve relationships within the entire family and create a better, more supportive home environment. This type of treatment may improve HPA axis functioning and lead to a healthier stress response.
Mindfulness-based approaches: Mindfulness-based therapy focuses on helping people develop a sense of awareness of their thoughts and feelings so they can understand them and better regulate them. These approaches may help improve resiliency against stress by benefiting several brain regions and improving neural connections.
Trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT): TF-CBT focuses on helping people learn new coping skills, restructure negative or unhelpful thoughts, regulate their moods, and overcome trauma by crafting a trauma narrative. This form of therapy may help reduce overactivity in the amygdala.
Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tips, and Tools for Abuse Survivors
This material may be protected by copyright.
If “I’d been looking for ‘this kinda book’, for so long” sounds familiar – this could be the answer! Both suggested + reviewed by others in our league, here are some short examples of what it contains:
“As you discover and come into your own truth, you will gain the following:
• emotional strength as your self-confidence and self-assurance build
• an awareness of what triggers your painful emotions and moods, and an improved ability to cope with them before the pain escalates
• more responsiveness to outside influences as you become less reactive
• a feeling of safety in your own body
• confidence in your ability to consciously choose your response to situations that are in your best interest with due consideration for others, rather than emotionally gambling by unconsciously reacting in unhealthy ways to gain others’ approval and avoid pain
Mentors, coaches, and therapists can be instrumental in guiding you through the process, but the answers to truth-based healing reside in us. We must seek them out and apply them by reaching into the core of our being for the answers. The point is this:
You must uncover and discover to recover.”
Ryan, Evelyn M. (2015). Excerpt from (p.25/188)
This book isn’t an easy read, but that’s not what readers of it are looking for. Answers, methods + solutions are what it contains, which is what this writing aims for! If anything can make surviving-victims of child-sexual-abuse feel better, it’s knowing that there are things like this book.
Not that RCbbc or SBDC_rc wishes to promote any 25th Anniversary of the ‘Crash Test Dummies‘ Band’s God Shuffled His Feet, their commonly used (satirical?) phrase is significant.
In what may have been one of this RoyalCommBBC’s founder’s initial memories; As a toddler👶, who was still forming awareness of sounds & speech; an early, longterm memory had begun to be planted, by a supposedly ‘innocent & friendly, social encounter’ …
Reminders of what would develop years later, with the ‘Crash Test Dummies‘ use of the term; babies + toddlers were treated as virtual “first model cars“, that could be upgraded with “future children in your families” <mothers’ group>. Oh what joy, when this happens amongst ‘christian’ families. As proven by other NRS Submissions, more of a target may have been presumed amongst the nativity of “pure + innocent godsquad folk” … 🤷🏿♀️😱
Of recent interest/concern was that #GunViolence developing (uncontrollably) in America, is a practical version of much of there tension that has been avoided in ‘holy-christian-church™’ environments. In Australia. Amongst the same ‘loving-caring-christian’ family, who’re yet to admit … perhaps if the above 🖼️ was republished as ‘Crash Parenting for DUMMIES’? Sales could be unexpectedly high. (losses of 1st born child excused … 🤷🏿♀️?!)
Further to an earlier post, while working further through the ‘Apologies’ (Reconciliation) part of my NRS Submission I was again contacted by a Parent. Despite being arranged, that all messages are to go through a Support Agency ‘parents always know better’ … At the last calm message, I had had enough. Assertively, I laid out some key points (beyond my control) that have been bases for the other CSA instances in my life. Shortly after, I received this TXT message:
(Name), I don’t understand this very direct message, It seems as though someone or an organisation on your behalf, Eg…..NDIS? Have sent it? Who?
Also I am alarmed with reference to CSA & NRS, who is this?
What’s Goodbye appologies-submissions??
SMS data 28.11.20.
(Name), all I asked on the previous sms to you was, can we have a coffee soon.
❤️ & 😘
SMS data 28.11.20.
These responses prove that despite believing that a victim’s comments to one parent being truthful, only select parts of this info was exchanged with the other parent. This was also an influence of the competitive sibling’s suspected-narcissism (alike the previous marriage’s attacks). Many parts of both these family issues run parallel to the marriage issues.
This misunderstood response was from my asserted response, to my family’s misunderstanding of the Disability resulting from my CSA experiences (under their “loving & protecting, Christian parenting”). As the truth is coming out in numerous other circles, so too is a major part of my own. Following is my assertive message, triggering the above response:
Tony is on the NDIS, for an often misunderstood injury, (Sibling’s) denial of it is both perjury (Court) & adds to my lost hope. From a history of apologies/denials (Sibling), effects of a childhood of CSA, our dysfunctional family became obvious: my complete withdrawal is required (I need to enjoy my life). Repairs are possible, similar to the style of family Tony is breaking away from. Wrongs have happened (CSA & distinction), if unaddressed they often continue.
Goodbye (CSA NRS Apologies-Submission will soon be sent)
SMS data 28.11.20.
Despite having spoken openly (I believed) to each parent in the past, any dependence on their memory of these moments appears alike “in one ear, out the other”; despite my continued reminders (texts, media & conversations); recorded notes of supposed ‘promises’; getting others involved (3rd eye POV); any of these forms of ‘proof’ gets disregarded, now surfacing that a parent admitted to agreeing with another sibling as they were “afraid to lose contact with their grandchildren”. Justice does not exist, when Emotional Blackmail is played. Now, I’ll await what results from the NRS Apology.
These experiences have been posted to this Blog, as numerous other past students and their families are curious or unaware of the instabilities that exist. Screens, or facades are frequently made to give differences between the unstable Private effects of family tensions and the typical social Public reputation. Through the building of a Trauma-Informed Community (Blue Knot 2020), our lifestyles should become stronger than how those of shallower, CSA ‘hunting grounds’ previously were.
• The word ‘trauma’ describes events and experiences which are so stressful that they are overwhelming. • The word ‘trauma’ also describes the impacts of the experience/s. The impacts depend on a number of factors. • People can experience trauma at any age. Many people experience trauma across different ages. • Trauma can happen once, or it can be repeated. Experiences of trauma are common and can have many sources. • Trauma can affect us at the time it occurs as well as later. If we don’t receive the right support, trauma can affect us right through our life. • We all know someone who has experienced trauma. It can be a friend, a family member, a colleague, or a client… or it can be us. • It can be hard to recognise that a person has experienced trauma and that it is still affecting them. • Trauma is often experienced as emotional and physical harm. It can cause fear, hopelessness and helplessness. • Trauma interrupts the connections (‘integration’) between different aspects of the way we function. • Trauma can stop our body systems from working together. This can affect our mental and physical health and wellbeing.
• While people who experience trauma often have similar reactions, each person and their experience is unique. • Trauma can affect whole communities. It can also occur between and across generations, e.g. the trauma of our First Nations people. • For our First Nations people, colonisation and policies such as the forced removal of children shattered important bonds between families and kin and damaged people’s connection to land and place. • Many different groups of people experience high levels of trauma. This includes refugees and asylum seekers, as well as women and children. This is not to deny that many men and boys also experienced trauma. • Certain life situations and difference can make trauma more common. People with disability of all ages experience and witness trauma more often than people without disability. LGBTQI people also experience high levels of trauma which is often due to discrimination.
Throughout the counselling I am regularly receiving, something which often gets raised is that although there’s quite a list of TYPES of child sexual abuse:
emotional or mental abuse, and
sexual abuse and includes signs, symptoms, and behavioral indicators of abuse.
There may be other TYPES, yet this is just a small example of where ‘traditional’ understanding clashes with the actual impact, victims try to live with, 247, also coping with COVID-19, trying to deal with Climate Change …