Being a Survivor of Child Abuse
Inside the mind of a victim

Inside the mind of a victim

I was abused for sixteen years by my mother.

From an outside perspective, I belonged to a middle-class family and lived a happy and fulfilled life. I excelled at school and partook in many extra-curricular activities, such as swimming, piano lessons and ballet. I was the textbook definition of a ‘good child’.

My first recollection of abuse was when I was perhaps five or six years old. My parents were arguing and when I tried to intervene, my mother lashed out and struck me across the face.

The stone of her engagement ring cut my face drawing blood. I vaguely remember being upset, however, what sticks with me is the next day. I was at school and met with questions as to what happened to my face. Instinctively I constructed a lie and told everyone that I had walked into the sharp edge of a door.

What amazes me, is that I was able to lie so quickly and convincingly at such a young age. I do not even remember my mother telling me to lie, I just know that felt as if I should.

As I grew older and my mother’s ability to control me diminished, her abuse developed.

There was one time where I truly feared for my life. I do not remember the cause for her distress, however, she became so enraged that she reached for a wooden statue of a seahorse that was in our hallway, and lifted her arm high up to strike me with it. At that moment, I saw her pupils shrink and her face was screwed up in extreme torment. I thought that if she hit me with that statue, I would probably die.

I froze in panic and said nothing. I think my passive reaction caused her to snap out of what I assume was a dissociative state. She changed her mind and she dropped the statue.

Another time, she had kicked my legs so I was sat on the floor and she was slamming my head into the wall. I kicked my legs out towards her and struck her in the chest, hoping to get her away from me. She cried out in pain and began crying, berating me for being abusive and hurting her. The problem with her was that she never thought logically and that situation then became one where I hurt her, regardless of the fact that she had just been assaulting me previously.

Many people have often questioned why myself or my father never spoke out and told anyone about the abuse that we faced. The answer is a complex one, yet it can be simplified to the fact that when you are subjected to abuse for the majority of your life, it can become normalised.

I understood what my mother did was wrong, however, I never believed that it was bad enough to speak out. The other reason is due to embarrassment. The trouble with abuse is the victim often feels ashamed, even though the shame should be entirely on the abuser.

I could not let my friends or teachers know what was happening, yet at the same time, I dreamed that they would somehow know and save me from the horrors that I faced.

When I recall the years of abuse that I faced, I think the emotional abuse affected me much greater than the physical. I did not like to be hit, however, I would’ve chosen that over the alternative, which was the punishment of humiliation.

She achieved this in various ways, such as locking me outside of the front of the house, forcing me to sit outside knowing the neighbours could see me. Another method would be to text my friends shameful and embarrassing messages from my phone, knowing that I would have to pretend it was me, as I could not explain that my mother would do such a thing.

Towards the end, as I neared adolescence, I became really upset with my situation. My mother and father had separated, due to her forcing him to leave, and her distress caused by the dissolution of marriage was taken out on me.

As her mental health spiralled, the emotional abuse and screaming became more frequent. I was nearing the age of taking exams as a sixteen-year-old girl, and I was tired of juggling my school work, with having to look after my mother who was out of control.

I would often have sleepless nights due to her making me sleep on the floor in a cold room as a punishment, or keeping me up by shouting at me for some trivial mistake that I had made. I then became desperate for my situation to change.

At this point, it was still never a viable option in my mind to tell an outsider and get help. Not because I was scared, or because I didn’t think that anyone would believe me. I just simply did not consider doing it. I then started hoping that someone else would save me from my situation. I often opened windows when my mother was in a fit of rage, hoping a neighbour or passerby would hear her and report it.

I shamefully remember hoping that she would do something really drastic- inflict so much damage to me that I would end up in the hospital or that someone would call the police to take her away. Like many others, I ask my younger self: ‘why did you not just simply tell someone?’

Then came the day that completely changed my life. I had recently been in contact with my father and had told him that I could not take the situation anymore and that he must do something. He had a wide range of evidence of her abuse, from text messages to videos. I was at school one day when I was asked to leave my classroom to speak to someone.

The police sat in a room and explained that my father had reported my mother for abuse and that she was in custody.

I was taken to a police safe house in the forest to complete a vulnerable witness video statement, as I was under the age of eighteen and the victim of traumatic crime.

I was asked to outline as much as I could of the abuse that I faced throughout the years. I listed multiple instances in a rather matter of fact way, to which the policeman was shocked. He told me how he was stunned that I could talk of such experiences so calmly and without getting upset.

He also told me how horrified he was, as a father of a young girl, that someone could face what I had. It was at this point, that I truly understood the reality of my experience, causing my resolute appearance to shatter. I broke down in tears, realising that for the first time in my life, somebody else knew what I had faced.

As an adult leading a happy and successful life, I can still see the remnants of my trauma. One of my biggest flaws is that I overthink how others perceive me. I spend hours worrying if I have said something wrong, or embarrassing, which I believe stems from punishments of humiliation, which were designed to render me as vulnerable.


RETRIEVED https://medium.com/@nepiggott/being-a-survivor-of-child-abuse-c19d08cdaae8

Natasha Piggott


Shock of overlapping corruption, predators, victims, targets + SAFETY!

(Anthony) Kim Buchanan – ‘Butch’ (Brisbane Boys’ College Portal 1990)
  • Power of Preying: Why Men Target Women in the Workplace” (2017) grabbed my attention, which began to describe the insipid, predator-vulnerable attitudes of being convicted. As per the Sentencing Judge’s remarks in the case of (Anthony) Kim Buchanan – BUTCH – (image via Portal 1990): 1980-2000 offences “that can only be regarded as most serious offences of a most degrading and humiliating kind” (Judge BOTTING, 2002 Indictment);
  • Most shockingly, is that this Conviction was only able to site 30 offences. It is now being discussed and determined, whether most classes of 30 students were involved in other forms of abuses. Before Buchanan had even entered his BBC Teaching profession, moments of abuse have been identified from their adolescence. Coupled with how adjusted versions were repeated in following semesters, Butch was a prime example of what we should be aware of:
  • > grooming: befriending and establishing an emotional connection; (Jeffery Epstein, Prince Andrew & Bill Clinton) illicit businesses such as child trafficking, child prostitution, or the production of child pornography;
  • > blame-shifting: ‘devil/satan’ doing wrong, instead of ‘church-hopping’ and ‘school-swapping’ ; is a common psychological trick Narcissists and other toxic, similar, emotionally immature and ultimately toxic people use to abuse and to gaslight their victims into thinking they were not abused at all… or if they were that they somehow deserve it.
  • > victim-blaming: Blame is placing the entire responsibility for one’s unpleasant actions, consequences, and feelings on another person or external event, and insisting that others agree: ‘two sides to every story’ is frequently used to justify this habit.

When corruption and politics is drawn into the mix, truth is something that survives. Please add in any of your FEEDBACK!


Online Predators (Tandez): 1. Keeping Yourself Physically Safe : Avoid dangerous places. Be aware of your surroundings. Use the “back off” command. Take self-defense. Create obstacles to entering your home. Report suspicious activity. Contact the authorities.

How to avoid Predators

2. Being on the Lookout for Online Predators : Do not “check in” on social media. Refrain from posting personal information. Use anti-virus security. Monitor what your friends and family post.

How to avoid Predators

3. Staying Away from Emotional Predators : Watch out for a sense of entitlement. Avoid manipulation. Keep an eye out for workplace narcissists. Take it slow when dating someone new.

4. Protecting Your Kids From Predators : Recognize red flags. Monitor the people in your child’s life. Talk to your kids about abuse. Listen to kids. Practice safety skills. Teach children online safety strategies.


REFERENCES:

Katehakis, Alexandra. 2017. The Power of Preying; Why men target women in the workplace. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sex-lies-trauma/201710/the-power-preying

Narcissists and Flying Monkeys blame shifting further traumatizes victims. (2015). Blame shifting and victim shaming is abusive behavior. https://flyingmonkeysdenied.com/2015/11/26/narcissists-flying-monkeys-blame-shifting-traumatizes-victims/

Supreme Court Sentence. (2002). Ex officio indictment. https://www.sentencing.sclqld.org.au/php/hiliter.php?run=1&url=/sentencing_remarks/2002/SR_BRIS_BuchananAK_26042002.html

Tandez, Adrian (co-authored by). (2019). How to Avoid Predators. Updated: October 10, 2019 https://www.wikihow.com/Avoid-Predators