Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tips, and Tools for Abuse Survivors
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Take your power back, Evelyn M. Ryan
If āIād been looking for āthis kinda bookā, for so longā sounds familiar – this could be the answer! Both suggested + reviewed by others in our league, here are some short examples of what it contains:
āAs you discover and come into your own truth, you will gain the following:
ā¢ emotional strength as your self-confidence and self-assurance build
ā¢ an awareness of what triggers your painful emotions and moods, and an improved ability to cope with them before the pain escalates
ā¢ more responsiveness to outside influences as you become less reactive
ā¢ a feeling of safety in your own body
ā¢ confidence in your ability to consciously choose your response to situations that are in your best interest with due consideration for others, rather than emotionally gambling by unconsciously reacting in unhealthy ways to gain othersā approval and avoid pain
Mentors, coaches, and therapists can be instrumental in guiding you through the process, but the answers to truth-based healing reside in us. We must seek them out and apply them by reaching into the core of our being for the answers. The point is this:
You must uncover and discover to recover.ā
Ryan, Evelyn M. (2015). Excerpt from (p.25/188)
This book isnāt an easy read, but thatās not what readers of it are looking for. Answers, methods + solutions are what it contains, which is what this writing aims for! If anything can make surviving-victims of child-sexual-abuse feel better, itās knowing that there are things like this book.
Paybacks. Silent Treatment. Isolation. Threats. Humiliation. Sometimes even physical abuse. These are the weapons of coercive control, a strategy used by some people against their intimate partners. A relationship that should involve loving support ends up as a trap designed for domination. Although coercive control can show up in a variety of relationships, the most common is one in which a man uses coercive control against his wife or girlfriend. However, people of any gender and orientation(link is external)can be victims or victimizers.
People subject to coercive control grow anxious and afraid. Coercive control strips away their independence, sense of self, and basic rights, such as the right to make decisions about their own time, friends, and appearance.
Many men who use coercive control also abuse partners physically or sexually, but some use coercive control without physical violence. Outsiders may not be able to see the signs of coercive control in a couple; those who use it are often quite charming.
Victims of coercive control often feel like hostages. Over time, being grilled, criticized, stalked, and monitored may seem routine and inescapable. Victims often blame themselves as they feel despairing and disoriented. Itās easy for a person in this position to lose confidence and accept a partnerās view of reality. They may feel confused as they are told again and again that they themselves have triggered their partnerās behaviors by doing something āwrong.ā At the same time, to keep the peace, victims may suppress their own desires, silence their voices, and detach from loved ones. Unfortunately, victims often do not see the connection between their partnerās control and their own isolation until time has passed. Losing self-confidence and close relationships at the same time can be paralyzing.
People who get caught in the web of a controlling person are no different from others. They just have the bad luck to become involved with an abuser at a time when they are especially vulnerable. Typically, an abuser will lavish attention on a woman at the beginning of the relationship. Over time, he becomes jealous, monitors her whereabouts, and restricts her interactions with others. His partner thinks the original āhelpful manā is the ārealā him, and if she does things right, heāll go back to being wonderful again. At times he may indeed act loving, if this seems like the best way to maintain his control. Loving acts become another controlling tactic.
Once a controlling man has caught a woman in his web, he will do everything he can to prolong the relationship. Sometimes he will threaten, stalk, assault, or even murder her if she leaves or he suspects sheās trying to leave. For this reason, even if there is no physical violence it is important for a person who is being controlled to contact a domestic violence agency and devise a safety plan.
Only a couple of decades ago, society named and recognized the problems of sexual harassment, dating violence, marital rape, and stalking. Coercive control needs to be similarly named and recognized, so we can begin to address it. We all need to learn more, so we can offer the right kinds of support(link is external) and not allow victims to become isolated.
* If you donāt like the word āvictim,ā feel free to substitute āsurvivorā or another term that you prefer.
To all of those whoāve sent in WP Messages to this RoyalCommBBC blog, I am sorry I havenāt responded to your messages. Although Iām now able to partly post new pieces, Iām not able to access your messages. If possible, please COPY + PASTE them into either an eMail OR TXT:
Despite Baptist churches (+7th Day Adventists & Jehovahās Witnesses) being framed as though each individual location are āseperate entitiesā, NRS acknowledgement under CARC conditions has included Institutions on a state-by-state level. As such, direct personal responses will be made on behalf of these state representatives. Under which these state bodies will be responsible for ācoercive control, indoctrinations & scapegoatingā, in association with the āabuses & impactsā (BraveHearts psychology, 2022).
As some of us have been taken through multiple ālevelsā of CSA, this is where āComplex PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) also adds to the atypical occasions on NRS databases. Although I had previously suggested this in both my Private CARC Session and in my NRS Counselling, it wasnāt until I started to share an āideas diagramā with my psychologist, that another POV was made. It can be complex explaining, these complex settings, which are often covered by complex secrecy!
Question: Why is it exactly that the scapegoat child cannot trust their golden child sibling?
Answer: The golden child is committed to misunderstanding the scapegoat child, and in believing the smear campaign against them; the one full of lies.
What I am about to write about is not inclusive of every golden child. Some golden children do not exhibit any of the traits relating to this article and have the integrity enough to see right through the narcissist, tell the narcissist that they are in the wrong, and to stand by the scapegoatās side. It is likely that if the golden child honours their scapegoated sibling in this way, (which is highly unusual) both children will be discarded from the family for having dared challenge the narcissist.
When I write about narcissism, I write about what I have witnessed happen in families where there is a narcissistic parent. The particular situation I am about to discuss runs rampant throughout narcissistic familiesā, and is more common than not.
My primary belief about the golden child (who forms a nasty alliance with the narcissist against the scapegoat) is that they are completely unaware of what they are doing and that they have been completely brainwashed by the narcissist. However, that being said, the golden child still makes an executive decision to aid the narcissist in their smear campaigns of the people who expose the narcissist, challenge the narcissist, or who simply have a difference of opinion from the narcissist.
Why does the golden child choose to side with the narcissist?
The narcissist lives and breathes to influence the golden childās perception of the scapegoat. Through daily put-downs of the scapegoat, exaggerations, and half-truths about the scapegoat, the narcissist will gradually erode the golden childās perception of their scapegoated sibling. At times mind control sessions will occur on an hourly basis (not daily, hourly).
As the scapegoat becomes older, more defiant and defensive against the abuse, the narcissist will begin to fear exposure, and will suddenly turn the tables on the scapegoat. This is when they will tell all kinds of outrageous lies about the scapegoat, and work especially hard to turn the golden child against their sibling.
By the time the scapegoat exposes the narcissist, the narcissist (who knew this was coming all along) has already pulled one over the scapegoat; and now nobody in the family will believe the scapegoat when they begin to the claim that there is something wrong with the family system.
A close relationship between the scapegoat and the golden child?
A close relationship between the scapegoat and golden child, will in fact, inevitably be destroyed by the narcissist. This will happen because the narcissist has been moulding the golden childās perceptions of the scapegoat since birth. Eventually, the golden child will completely forfeit the close relationship they may have with the scapegoat (if they were ever close, to begin with), and will act out the narcissistās contempt of the scapegoat through their body language, verbal language, and utter nastiness.
Any signs of anger or emotional confusion from the scapegoat about the treatment of them during the devaluation phase will be perceived by the narcissist and the golden child as symptoms of a severe mental health issue within the scapegoat; instead of a pretty normal reaction to vile abuse.
The narcissistās intent is to push the scapegoat over the edge, so as all eyes are off them, and on the scapegoat instead. All of this happens because the scapegoat brings to the forefront the narcissistās shortcomings.
The golden childās relationship with the parent:
The golden child is bought by the narcissist, given the best of everything, and doted on daily. They are also continually groomed and hoovered by the parent, told just how entitled or special they are, and are reminded by the parent just how similar they are to them. We mustnāt forget that this child represents to the narcissist all of the goodness in them.
The narcissistic parent will encourage the other siblingsā to also adore the golden child too, to do everything for the golden child, and to love this child until no end.
This child is always right, never punished for harming the other siblingsā, and their misdeeds are shoved under the carpet. All of their misdeeds are projected onto the scapegoat, and the scapegoat becomes the golden childās fall guy early on in the piece.
The scapegoatās relationship with the parent:
The scapegoat is despised in childhood. Some theories suggest that the scapegoat is the whistleblower or the truth teller in the family. However, the narcissist will claim that this child is treated differently for obvious reasons. They have apparently always been a difficult child; while of course, the golden child wasnāt. However, if the scapegoat was as adored, and never disciplined to extreme measures, like their golden child sibling, then the scapegoat child would have nothing to be upset about now, would they?
Excuses are always made by the narcissistic parent to explain away the abuse of the scapegoated child.
Common excuses:
Theyāre cheeky
Disagreeable
Challenges me all the time
Theyāre out of control
These claims made by the narcissist are most likely true. However, the narcissist is prone to exaggeration, and these behaviours are fairly normal in children; some more so than others. The narcissist cannot tolerate ordinary child-like behaviour because in their eyes they are entitled to have complete control over the child. In the narcissistic family, normal childlike behaviour such as squabbling between siblings, or a bit of back chatting is used against the children. The children who refuse to be seen and not heard are assessed by the narcissist as being problematic. For example; crying is pretty much prohibited in this family system, or explained away as crocodile tears and attention seeking.
The scapegoat grows up living in the golden childās shadow. When they get upset about it, and have the audacity to have an argument with the narcissist about the issue, they are told that they are insane, have mental health problems, and are out of control. They may even be told that they are very similar to other people that the narcissist deems as crazy, such as relatives or friends.
The narcissist hopes that by denigrating this child they will be able to control the child. This tactic usually goes the other way for the narcissist. Instead, the scapegoat becomes distressed at the accusations hurled at them, and one day discloses the abuse.
Meanwhile, the golden child sits back and feels very special while this is happening to the scapegoat. The abuse of the scapegoat not only keeps this child out of the limelight, but it reinforces to the golden child what a good child they are, and what a bad child the scapegoat is.
Lets get one thing Straight: The golden child isnāt any better than the scapegoated child. They just havenāt been scapegoated; that is the difference.
Cinderella Syndrome: So, here we have a very real case of āCinderella syndrome,ā which of course the golden ā child revels in.
Abuse in silence:
A lot of the narcissistās abuse towards the scapegoat is done behind closed doors, in private where other family membersā are unable to directly witness events which signify extreme abuse. Acts of subtle abuse, on the other hand, are committed in front of the entire family and are accepted by these family members as a consequence of the scapegoatās behaviour. These family membersā have fallen prey to the brainwashing tactics of the narcissist, and now also believe, along with the narcissistic parent that the scapegoatās normal childlike behaviour, is the behaviour of a child with something seriously wrong with them.
āIt all depends on what the narcissist wants people to hearā
Abuse of the scapegoat is also initiated very subtly in front of the neighbours, friends, work colleagues, or even the coffee shop owner. Often, friendsā, colleaguesā, and family membersā accidentally perpetuate the abuse by telling the scapegoat that they are cheeky, should smile more, or that they have a sour persona. This reinforces to the scapegoated child that they are the problem.
Common phrases made to the narcissistās minions:
āSheās just like my mother. (A very abusive person who destroyed the life of the narcissist)
āMy goodness, sheās just like my sister Samantha,ā (who apparently also has emotional regulation problems).
āThat child of mine is so unhappy all the time. I donāt know what to do.ā
These comments are said day in day out, sometimes five or six times in an hour. It is no wonder that the golden ā child has a distorted perception of the scapegoat. Theyāre under the spell of mind control.
These continuous despicable comments eventually turn everybody against the scapegoat. So when the scapegoat acts out and claims that they are being treated unfairly, everybody, including the golden child, just thinks to themselves, ātheyāre crazy.ā
A consequence of the scapegoatās position in the family is that it enables the golden child, along with the other siblings, to blame their poor behaviour towards the scapegoat, on the scapegoat. Somehow, in some way, the scapegoat will always be blamed for the abuse hurled upon them.
The mind control that the narcissist has over the golden ā child is a sure investment to the narcissist. Whenever the narcissistic parent requires the golden childās allegiance against the scapegoat, the golden child will provide the narcissistic supply that the narcissist is asking for.
The narcissist has no empathy and no conscience; which means that they have absolutely no issue whatsoever with pushing the scapegoat over the edge emotionally. This way everybody will look to the scapegoatās unusual behaviour, and focus on that rather than the narcissist.
Why must the scapegoat child never completely trust the golden child?
The golden child and the scapegoat child are sometimes good friends in childhood; best friends even. However, in most cases, the golden child will not accept that the scapegoat has been abused beyond belief. Deep down they too have internalised that the scapegoat is the crazy person, not the reverse.
They honestly donāt get it, and how could they? Most of the time people cannot empathise with an abused individual unless theyāve experienced something similar. Not once does the golden child ever question the impact the severe emotional abuse inflicted on the scapegoat, by the narcissist, may actually have on their sibling.
The scapegoat must never ever fully trust the golden child, under any circumstances. At the end of the day, it is most likely that when it comes down to it the golden child will always align with the narcissist.
Why?
They have had their perception of the scapegoat distorted at a young age, and unless they have an epiphany, this perception will most likely never change.
They have an investment in believing the lies. If they donāt, they will end up being scapegoated too.
The narcissist has been investing financially in this child since they were born, which subconsciously makes the golden child feel very loyal to the narcissist.
Theyāve just bought themselves a soldier in their army, a conqueror, and a secondary abuser to put the scapegoat back in their place when they challenge the abuse.
The golden child is most likely suffering from cognitive dissonance, and cannot see past the good stuff the narcissist does for them. However, the golden child has seen the narcissist treat people appallingly; and has chosen not to acknowledge it.
What the scapegoat needs to understand about their relationship with the golden child:
The relationship with this child was never real and never had a chance. Relationships canāt exist when there is mind control involved or the likes of a dangerous manipulator.
The entitlement of the golden child:
The golden child believes they are so much better than their scapegoat sibling, who just cannot behave (apparently).
The golden child can be very two-faced. With entitlement can often come nastiness. Their specialness makes it ok for them to sit and laugh at the scapegoat behind their back, smear the scapegoatās name, and continually put the scapegoat down.
The golden child has a sense entitlement, and they believe that everybody should treat them in a special manner.
Moral values
The golden child:
has no loyalty to the scapegoat.
will sit and listen to the slander about the scapegoat, and all of the other people the narcissist canāt stand.
never apologises for anything, and never ever sees themselves as being at fault.
will never stand up for the scapegoat or anyone else for that matter, because to do so would be to cross the narcissist.
The sad fact is that the golden ā child doesnāt care. Its all about the survival of the fittest in this family, and if the golden child needs to turn on their sibling to keep in favour of a vile human being. Well, so be it.
It is absolutely imperative that scapegoated children, even in adulthood, never fully trust their golden child sibling; because unbeknown to the scapegoat child, the golden-child, even in early childhood, has taken on board the brainwashing tactics of the narcissist. Deep down, regardless of a friendship with the scapegoat child, or not, the golden child will always believe that the scapegoat is fundamentally floored.
This is what the evidence suggests about the scapegoat in the eyes of the golden ā child:
The golden child has witnessed the scapegoat:
become hysterical
have emotional meltdowns
engage in big arguments with the narcissist
Golden child as judgemental:
The golden child is very judgemental and does not understand that these reactions are very normal reactions to a disgusting amount of psychological abuse.
The development of an alliance between golden child and narcissist: A scenario
In adulthood, the scapegoat may begin to tell people about their abuse, including the enabling parent. When they do this, and the truth becomes uncovered, the narcissist will take the scapegoat out, and destroy their relationships with the other siblings.
How does the narcissist use the golden ā child to take the scapegoated adult child out ? A scenario
Narcissists are very revengeful: They will plot for months, or even years to get somebody back for some supposed slight that didnāt happen as they see it (like a scapegoat pouring their heart out to a family member about being on the receiving end of severe mental abuse).
First, the narcissist will hoover the scapegoat into the family by love bombing them. The scapegoat will find it odd that the person whom they have exposed is now making them soup, buying them things, and suddenly being very kind to them.
The scapegoat will believe in their mind that they have made amends with their parent, and that the parent has forgiven them for exposing the truth. However, they will notice that the tension heightens when they enter the room and that their siblings are acting strangely around them. The scapegoat will know for months in advance that something is wrong; they just wonāt be able to put their finger on it.
The final showdown may happen at a function, or while the scapegoat is visiting the parent, who appears to want them around. I have heard many stories where a scapegoat is vilified in front of everyone at a function; only to have the scapegoatās original suspicions clarified. The tension they originally felt around the family was very real. The narcissist had been sitting around with the help of the golden ā child smearing the scapegoatās name to the entire family.
Mind control is in full force: Finally, one of the children will have enough (most likely a golden child sibling ā (there can be more than one) and blast the scapegoat. When the scapegoat questions the parent in private, their supposed slight of the narcissist will most likely be mentioned to the scapegoat as a reason as to why the discard occurred. The other children will most likely never know that this was all a revenge plot by the narcissist. At this point, the golden child will show no remorse for what has happened.
Redeveloping a relationship with the golden child:
I personally believe that the golden child has already shown the scapegoat who they are, and that the scapegoat should really take this into account. The golden child cannot be trusted, and they have most likely shown this to be true on several occasions.
Possibilities for a relationship may occur after the narcissist dies. However, the scapegoat will never be able to trust the golden child again, because when it suits them, theyāll just turn against their scapegoated sibling, as a way to avoid all accountability for their own vile behaviour. The only element that will change in this scenario is who they side with.
Until the golden childās perception of the scapegoat changes, which is unlikely, the scapegoat may need to sever all ties with the golden child and kiss the relationship goodbye.
Many survivors experience similar impacts from the abuse. These can include anxiety, depression, suicidality, feelings of worthlessness, shame, anger and self-blame as well as struggles with trust, intimacy and other relationship problems, identity issues and addictions and clashes with authorities. Male survivors also face some unique impacts. Some of these arise from the expectations about men in our society.
We believe that your survival is testament to your resilience
We provide connections with others who have walked a similar path and focus on the way forward to recovery and growth.
SAMSNās Eight-week Support Groups, led by male facilitators with professional training, have a trauma informed approach that prioritises your safety and focuses on recovery and healing.
SAMSNās Monthly Meetings provide a forum for connections and conversations about recovery, and opportunities for learning from each other.
We recognise the additional issues for more marginalised groups of men
Men who are not from the dominant white, male culture face additional challenges of stereotyping in relation to their identity as men. This includes Aboriginal men, those from culturally diverse backgrounds, prisoners, men from rural and remote areas, men in the military, men with disabilities, men from the LGBTQI communities and older men. These men experience additional layers of discrimination, shame, isolation and have often have less access to support.
We are building a network of survivors who are finding their pathways to recovery & healing
Despite the impacts of the abuse and the additional societal challenges, boys and men find ways to survive and manage these many challenges. You are a survivor.
Some of the things we know can build a strong and healthy sense of self are:
Knowledge ā getting some facts and information about abuse, about emotions, about impacts and services available
Safety ā within yourself, safe in your key relationships, and a safe place
Self-acceptance ā realization that the abuse doesnāt define you, and accepting that others believe that too
Commonality ā that you can find others who understand, knowing you are not alone
Control ā you can make decisions, choices, and that things can change
Hope ā for justice, a desire for change, finding a way to turn this into something that gives back
NOTES As pieces from SAMSN have been related to parts of my NRS – Apologies coping issues, I felt that some generalised parts of their site + Spoken Podcasts + hearing from more, in our growing community. Unsure how each of us will deal with āRecovery + Healingā, each of us has different ways that we live. Even the final paragraph introduces some of the atypical parts of society, which are gradually growing larger/āmore acceptedā. Stereotypes may have a new definition in 100 yrs; yet right now Aboriginal Indigenous, culturally diverse, disabled, LGBTQI & aged sectors are targeted. Alike child sexual abuse, this should stop – alongside sexism + so many of the other āismās.
Now realising that I too have been grouped as part of the ābad applesā, perhaps if a collective group with other BadApples could be joined-or-started! Through continuing amounts of surviving-victims coming forward, the āoccasionalā is growing to wider audiences thereāll be less āpots calling kettles blackā + more merging of a multi-levelled society.
Pot calling kettle black, Google images.
Now realising that I too have been grouped as one of the ābad applesā, perhaps if a collective group with other BadApples could be joined-or-started! Through continuing amounts of surviving-victims coming forward, the āoccasionalā is growing to wider audiences thereāll be less āpots calling kettles blackā + more merging of a multi-levelled sharing. Probably how our nation appears in front of the camera!
āCognitive dissonanceā, āmonopolisedā, āexcludedā, ānegative attitudeā & āvictim-blamingā were included in a recent therapy appt. Following which, another surviving-victim began having an early-stage discussion of what was involved in both finding out more + preparing for meets with knowmore! Karma, Murphyās luck, or pieces of reality fitting together?
Not that RCbbc or SBDC_rc wishes to promote any 25th Anniversary of the ‘Crash Test Dummies‘ Band’s God Shuffled His Feet, their commonly used (satirical?) phrase is significant.
crash test dummy (duckduckgo 2022)
In what may have been one of this RoyalCommBBC’s founder’s initial memories; As a toddlerš¶, who was still forming awareness of sounds & speech; an early, longterm memory had begun to be planted, by a supposedly ‘innocent & friendly, social encounter’ …
Crash Test Dummies, Band (duckduckgo 2022)
Reminders of what would develop years later, with the ‘Crash Test Dummies‘ use of the term; babies + toddlers were treated as virtual “first model cars“, that could be upgraded with “future children in your families” <mothers’ group>. Oh what joy, when this happens amongst ‘christian’ families. As proven by other NRS Submissions, more of a target may have been presumed amongst the nativity of “pure + innocent godsquad folk” … š¤·šæāāļøš±
Crash Testing for DUMMIES (duckduckgo 2022)
Of recent interest/concern was that #GunViolence developing (uncontrollably) in America, is a practical version of much of there tension that has been avoided in ‘holy-christian-churchā¢’ environments. In Australia. Amongst the same ‘loving-caring-christian’ family, who’re yet to admit … perhaps if the above š¼ļø was republished as ‘Crash Parenting for DUMMIES’? Sales could be unexpectedly high. (losses of 1st born child excused … š¤·šæāāļø?!)
#Neglect / #negligenttreatment is something that should never have happened. Particularly, when used as a ālearning toolā for 1st borns. Only when later children are raised ābetterā, by not exposing them do these āgodly folkā change their practices: Nothing to see here ā move on!
RETRIEVED via @treacl + @royalcommbbc tweets (May 2022).
Tags: NRS, RC, SDBC and tagged 1st borns, baptist, BBC, boys brigade, child sexual abuse, Church, church family, ecosystem, first borns, girls brigade, habitus, history, neglect, patterns, RC, redress, royal commission, SDBC, support, youth group
As I have been speaking with a close support-team, Iām starting to sketch out what Iād expect for both BBC/PMSA + Qld Baptist Church/QB to say (āa direct personal responseā). As my car accident had been linked with these memories, Iāll be requesting āunder special circumstancesā recordings to be made. Iāll keep you informed ā¦
Finding the right Counsellor may take time, yet when you do it can make needed impact. As I had attended BBC under an OCA award, there may be inclusion of this. Perhaps a seperate āApologyā will be neededā¦
