9 Way To Untangle Yourself From A Toxic Family

Sherrie Campbell, PhD, ContributorClinical Psychologist, Author and Radio Host

05/16/2017 11:42 am ET

One of the most challenging things to undertake is separating ourselves from a toxic family. The “family” is reveared as something too sacred to separate from, regardless of its toxicity. Adult children feel an obligation to stay connected even when it goes against their best interest. As adults, we stay connected out of fear and guilt. We fear the lack of understanding and recrimination to come from others who falsely assume all children are loved deeply. To follow are the entanglements suffered in a toxic family system, and how to break free.

1. Starved.

Children (no matter their age) of toxic parents are emotionally starved. The family dynamic functions around the needs, wants, desires, and dramas of the parent. Children are not viewed as people, but rather as things to be controlled, used and manipulated. It is common for parents to abuse one child and worship another. Each child’s role serves some distorted need in the parent. The more abused child is raised feeling unloved and rejected, while the worshiped child feels loved for “good performance and behavior.” Each child has some awareness they are not loved for who they are, and both suffer low self-worth.

2. Sly.

The reason it is challenging to separate from these dynamics is because the type of abuse these children endure is not obvious. It’s the passive-aggressive, guilt-driven, needy, jealous, divisive, martyring, baiting abuse that somehow disappears into ether whenever confronted. These parents are sly, underhanded, blaming, manipulators who use their children for games, positioning and getting them to feel guilty, ashamed and increasingly needy for parental approval, which they can never authentically secure.

3. Scapegoating.

Toxic parents scapegoat their children for their own personality flaws and dramatics. They turn everything around to be the child’s fault, and claim how “mean and disrespectful” their children are. These children grow up feeling nothing they do is ever enough. They are consistently rattled with back-handed remarks by their overly critical parents, and are accused of being too sensitive. Being raised like this is no different than living in a house of mirrors, where even the fake apologies initiated by the parents are designed to put the child at fault.

4. Frozen.

Children become frozen under the hypocrisy, constant projection, and circular communication style these parents utilize. They quickly learn that being good enough in the eyes of their parents is about as likely as successfully scoring on a moving goalpost. They live trying to avoid conflict, or trying to express themselves to the point of rage or meltdown, only to face being shamed for their emotions and “treating their parents so poorly.” These psychological games lead children into a state of helplessness, self-hatred and guilt, as every situation is set for their destruction. There is no way to win.

5. Frustration.

There is nothing more psychologically debilitating than living in a world of unexpressed frustration. Very few, if any, validate what these children see and experience. In fact, most attempts at sharing their story are met with disbelief and the minimization of; “things can’t be that bad, your parents love you.” These children are typically advised to be more loving, to do as their told, and to accept who their parents are; thereby, blaming the victim. There is no amount of convincing these children can do that will be more powerful than the societal standard held to never separate from family.

6. Disenfranchised grief.

These children/adults live with a grief not accepted by society. Loss is one of the most common experiences to bring about grieving, and although this is often viewed as normal, there are times when grieving is disqualified; cutting ties one’s family members being one of those times. Traditional forms of grief are more widely accepted, like when a parent dies. When grief is not accepted, but rather viewed as something a person brought on themselves, there are few, if any, support systems to help them cope with their disenfranchised grief.

7. Courage.

As adults, we have the right to determine when enough is enough. If we know it is not possible to be healthy in tandem to staying connected to a dysfunctional family, then it is time to let go. We must have the courage to face the unfair smear-campaigns that will be initiated at breakneck speed to everyone the parents know, the lack of compassion, understanding and support from others, and the loneliness, confusion and grief to process after we sever ties. We will likely have to create distance with mutual connections that bind us to our family, as the more strings attached to them the less likely we are to protect ourselves from their toxic drama.

8. Duty Days.

After we cut ties, it is common to receive cards/gifts on “Duty Days,” such as holidays. These gestures allow them to maintain that they try, and we are just too stubborn to let things go. What is missing in their communication is any combination of three sets of three simply-worded statements; “I am sorry,” “I was wrong,” or “You were right.” They are incapable of owning what they have done; always viewing themselves as right. They show up on “Duty Days” to assuage their guilt, to save face, and to add more drama to their smear-campaign . And…people will believe them.

9. Reclaiming yourself.

In severing ties, we are not doing so to punish anyone else, as much as we are doing something to protect ourselves. Once minimal or no-contact has been established, we must reclaim our lives and rebuild our self-worth. When we risk it all, the Universe in all its magic, will organize and materialize the supports, loves and people we deserve to live lives we love. We build a chosen-family who shows us that love is thicker than blood. Most importantly, we develop a self-respect no one can shake. We are free to live from the truth of who we are, as we come to trust our inherent goodness. The greatest power we have is not give these people what they want…our attention. We must now give our attention only to those worthy of it.


RETRIEVED https://www.huffpost.com/entry/9-way-to-untangled-yourself-from-a-toxic-family_b_591744c5e4b00ccaae9ea36d

Child Abuse and the Role of Parental Denial


DR. SCHWARTZ’S WEBLOG BY ALLAN SCHWARTZ, LCSW, PH.D.

 Allan Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D. was in private practice for more than thirty years. He is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in the states …Read More

https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/child-abuse-and-the-role-of-parental-denial/

I recently had the opportunity of revisiting a question that I have struggled to find answers to for many years. The question is, why, in the face of a parent sexually, physically or verbally abusing a child, does the other parent remain silent?

This is a phenomenon I have been aware of in countless numbers of cases reported to me by patients who are now adult and clearly recall not only the abuse but the fact that the other parent offered no safety.

The question others have asked me and that I ask myself is, how or why would a parent remain silent in the face of children being abused. Here a few hypotheses.

1. Denial is a powerful and primitive defense mechanism. Someone who is dependent, frightened and themselves the victim of abuse, can remain silent and not even see or hear the abuse in order to maintain the desperately needed relationship with the abuser. In a way, it is a variation of the old saying, “Hear no evil, see no evil.” Well, people do hear it and see it and fail to act.

2. Both abuser and spouse can be mentally ill people who collude out of mutually shared sadism. In others words, there are a few people who can get a sense of pleasure out of treating children abusively.

3. Over the years, I have known a few cases in which the wife has such a deep need to avoid sexual relations that they prefer their husband engage in Oedipal relations with a daughter. This is usually unconscious with full denial in operation.

4. Chronic and severe drug and alcohol abuse loosen inhibitions that otherwise sober and sensible people do things that would shock them if they were not under the influence of certain types of drugs.

5. There are parents who, having been raised in strict and abusive environments, then repeat the pattern once they are parents. The vicious cycle of abuse is probably the major cause of domestic violence in the United States.

One of the distressing and utterly frustrating and despairing things that survivors of abuse discover as adults, is that their parents deny that anything ever happened. Patients have reported to me that parents, when confronted by their adult child with the abuse they committed, tell their son or daughter that their memory is wrong.

It is natural to ask why an adult would now confront their parents about abusive acts that happened during childhood? Apparently, the answer is that these survivors are seeking an apology and an affirmative statement admitting their wrong doing. This is what makes the discussion so filled with despair for so many survivors. The despair results not simply by the refusal of an apology, but the complete denial that anything happened. This is further exacerbated by the fact that neighbors and friends of the parents think them very “nice people” who would never do such a despicable thing as abuse a child. When Joan Crawford’s daughter published the story of her childhood, a story that depicted Crawford’s cruel and outlandish acts of abuse, there was a public outcry that this never could have happened. Later, the outcry vanished when the truth and accuracy of the story emerged for the public to see.

It is the responsibility of neighbors, family, friends, teachers and school officials to report suspected abuse to the authorities who will then conduct an investigation. Do not play the “hear no evil, see no evil” game. Act on what you know or have good reason to suspect.

Your comments, experiences and questions are welcome in relation to this important issue.

Allan N. Schwartz, PhD


RETRIEVED https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/child-abuse-and-the-role-of-parental-denial/

Seeking Counselling Help

1800 7377328

1800 RESPECT was the featured Support Agency, on tonight’s news.

There are also other national numbers, available as listed on NRS site:

REFERENCES as retried from https://www.nationalredress.gov.au/support/get-help-apply

T-minus 7-6-5 …

Details are being planned & records collected …

T-minus 10-9-8 …

RCbbc’s Podcasts are nearing launch.

Podcast is approaching rocket’s liftoff …

There are 3547 people in your team

It’s great to let you all know that our RCbbc Team, has reached 3 1/2 thousand. With our Podcasts also being pieced together, adding in another media.

Statistics retrieved 5 May 21.

Preview has launched

In what may be a day to be remembered, our 1st recording of the ‘Problem Solving Radio’ has been shared. Following is a link to where it can be listened to & related APPs should soon be added.

iCloud link (click on image)

Sorry to all the survivours lost, those who are lucky to be alive, their witnesses and family, justice members + even the criminals behind these events.

For those of us who had been denying everything + are slowly realising the past, many decades after is the average until speaking to someone else.

While most previous locations have since been cleaned-up, a fewer amount of Predators are still able to ‘sneak in the shadows’.

One of the aims of this podcast of the RoyalCommBBC Blog, is to allow an audio channel viewers can take with them, share with their family/friends and build up more of a library of resources.

Many of those, who’ve already made text comments, will be asked to add their spoken version.

Another addition, will be Relaxation strategies including suggestions of calming music-scents+interviews.

This initial post is being made to give a Preview of what’s being planned for release, within the next few weeks.

Hopes are to arrange regular events, suggest extra channels and to create a Board of CSA Survivours-Family-Supporters.

You’re not in this alone and there are huge amounts of impacted Child Abuse Survivours, that wont ever enjoy breaking out.

Podcasting

Just to let all readers of RCbbc Blog know, we’re soon planning to add another ‘layer’ of our publications – PODCASTS. Not realising that certain appointments, discussions & equipment had been collected for this purpose, I ended up making the ‘Eureka’ moment while working away at something else. 🤷🏼‍♂️

Fortunately for all listeners, listening 🎧 to these audio versions of the text info allows so much more. While there have been huge swathes of readers of certain materials, these podcasts will allow another form of material to tune into. Please, stay tuned & offer any suggestions you may have!

Jehovah’s Witnesses say they will join the National Redress Scheme due to the new “rules”

Peter Kelso News
April 6, 2021

Jehovah’s Witnesses say they will join the National Redress Scheme due to the new “rules”


It was the threat of financial penalties that triggered the Jehovah’s Witnesses to join the National Redress Scheme – a sour taste for survivors of sexual abuse and lawyers alike. 

In July 2020, Prime Minister Scott Morrison named and shamed the institutions that had failed to sign up to the National Redress Scheme before the original deadline of June 30th. 

Senator Anne Ruston set a new deadline of December 31st 2020. If they missed the deadline this time, the institutions would not be eligible for future Commonwealth grants, their charitable status would be revoked and they would be stripped of their tax exemptions. 

But in a statement to AAP, the Jehovah’s Witnesses said: 

“Now that the law requires charities to join the scheme, Jehovah’s Witnesses will comply. Jehovah’s Witnesses believe that it is their responsibility before God to respect and co-operate with the authorities.”

A spokesperson for Senator Anne Ruston has urged the Jehovah’s Witnesses to get in contact with the Department of Social Services and make good on their commitment to the Scheme.

“We encourage them to make urgent contact with the Department of Social Services so they can make good on this commitment,” she said.

“It can take up to six months for institutions to complete the process of joining and the department would hope to work cooperatively and with haste to facilitate the Jehovah’s Witnesses joining as quickly as possible.

“It is disappointing survivors who have named the Jehovah’s Witnesses have been forced to have their application for redress on hold this long while the organisation has been unwilling to join.”

Paralympics Australia has also joined the National Redress Scheme 

New portal aims to protect integrity of Para-sport

Image: Paralympics Australia

Paralympics Australia has decided to join the National Redress Scheme and support survivors of institutional abuse.

This comes as more and more sporting institutions join the scheme including Basketball Australia and Gymnastics Australia. 

“We support the National Redress Scheme and are strongly committed to providing environments that are safe, supportive and fun for children and young people,” Paralympics Australia President Jock O’Callaghan said.

“We have zero tolerance for any form of behaviour that puts the well-being of children and young people at risk.”

The wheels were already in motion for positive change within Paralympics Australia.

In September 2020, Paralympics Australia, the Commonwealth Games and the Australian Olympic Committee – representing 53 sports combined – rolled out a new process so athletes have access to an independent assessment of complaints and allegations.

All Government funded sports are also required to have a Member Protection Policy (MPP) and Child Safeguarding Policy outlining the standard of behaviour required of athletes, coaches, officials and other support personnel.

Australian Olympic Committee Chief Executive Officer, Matt Carroll, says it is in the best interests of all sports to have an independent avenue for complaints about abuse, intimidation and other safeguarding issues.

“There’s no place for abuse in our sports, but the missing link has been the lack of access to an independent framework. We have started a process to develop a model that will remedy that. There’s a lot of detail to discuss,” Matt said.

In March 2021, Paralympics Australia Chief Executive Lynne Anderson said their values and expectations align with those of the National Redress Scheme

“Any form of abuse is abhorrent – we acknowledge the catastrophic impact abuse has on the lives of those abused, and their families and friends.”

“Our organisation is strongly aligned to the values and expectations of the National Redress Scheme and we remain ready to work closely with the scheme to support any survivors that may come forward.”

Kenja Communications raises the Porter Defense to avoid joining the Scheme

Image: News.com.au

Now that the Jehovah’s Witnesses will join the National Redress Scheme, there is only one institution left that is refusing to join: Kenja Communications. 

The spiritual self-help group has invoked Attorney-General Christian Porter’s position on the historical rape allegation against him (which he denies) to support its position.

The group’s late founder, Ken Dyer, faced multiple sexual assault allegations. He was found guilty of one of the alleged assaults, but the conviction was overturned in the High Court.

When Dyer was accused of raping a woman 33 years ago, he claimed:

“There are circumstances where someone might absolutely believe something, but it might not be a reliable account. That is actually why we have a justice system. It is why we have courts and the presumption of innocence and burdens of proof.”

Dyer committed suicide in 2007 when new allegations arose. There were another 22 charges of child sexual abuse against two 12-year-old girls, but he was medically unfit to stand trial.

Now, Dyer’s widow Jan Hamilton runs the group. On their website, the group said that the same principles cited by the Attorney-General apply to the group’s decision not to join the National Redress Scheme.

“Anyone can contact the scheme and say they were abused as a child and without due process, in fact it appears without any real process, can receive up to $150,000 in compensation.”

“We are of the view that recent events including the Christian Porter case confirm the legitimacy and appropriateness of the position we have taken regarding not joining the National Redress Scheme.”

“In our respectful opinion, if it is proper for the Attorney-General to invoke the rule of law, it is also proper for us.”

Hamilton has also said in the past she believes the abuse did not take place – meaning survivors will be locked out of compensation through the National Redress Scheme.

“Whilst we agree with the objectives of compensating child sex abuse victims, it is not appropriate in our view where genuine claims do not exist.”

A number of former members – mostly women and children – have claimed the participants had to be fully naked for their one-one-one “energy conversion sessions” with Dyer.

A former member named Annette Stevens wrote about her experience in a 2012 article published via news.com.au. 

“Sometimes we’d be processed naked in one-on-one sessions – Ken said it helped energy flow freely through the body. Once, when I woke from the fog of a naked processing session, Ken was lying on top of me with his trousers and underpants around his ankles.”

“But my Kenjan mind-training kicked in and I immediately dismissed the idea he’d acted inappropriately, reasoning I could trust Ken and, if he’d touched me, I’d remember it.”

Get the justice you deserve with Kelso Lawyers. We want to hear your story. Call (02) 4907 4200 or complete the online form before you accept payment from the National Redress Scheme.

Catholic Church paid $276m to sex abuse victims in Australia

The Catholic Church paid $276 million to victims of alleged sex abuse committed by priests in Australia over decades, an investigation says.

Critics say the system of payments is unfair and not all victims receive the same opportunities or compensation.

Since 2013, the Australian Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse has been holding hearings on alleged Catholic Church sex abuse of children – mostly boys.

“Catholic Church authorities made total payments of [AU]$276.1 million [US$213million] in response to claims of child sexual abuse received between 1 January 1980 and 28 February 2015, including monetary compensation, treatment, legal and other costs,” the statement from the commission said on Thursday.

Catholic Church sex abuse Australia Pope pedophilia

On average, sex abuse victims received AU$91,000 in compensation, it stated.

The Christian Brothers religious community “reported both the highest total payment and the largest number of total payments $48.5 million paid in relation to 763 payments at an average of approximately $64,000 per payment,” the document said.null

The report added that the Jesuits “had the highest average total payment at an average of approximately $257,000 per payment (of those Catholic Church authorities who made at least 10 payments).”

“Even though the church has paid $270 million and it took a long time to get its act together to do that, there’s no doubt the system of paying people and compensating them is best done independently of the church through a national redress scheme,”the Church’s Truth Justice and Healing Council chief executive, Francis Sullivan, told AAP.

Sullivan said that not all victims have equal opportunities or compensation.

“Some congregations pay far more than others. Some dioceses pay far more than others. It’s still not a fair system,” he added.

It’s a picture of great unfairness and inequity between survivors across Australia depending on where they placed their claim,” Helen Last, CEO of In Good Faith Foundation, which represents 460 abuse victims, told Reuters.

The commission was established in 2013 to investigate instances and allegations of child sexual abuse in Australia. This month’s report says that between January 1980 and February 2015, 93 Catholic Church authorities received claims of child sexual abuse from 4,445 people.

It managed to identify 1,880 alleged perpetrators, who included 597 (32 percent) ‘religious brothers,’572 (30 percent) priests, 543 (29 percent) lay people, and 96 (5 percent) ‘religious sisters.’ At least 90 percent of the alleged perpetrators were male, according to the report.

Sexual abuse scandals have long dogged the Catholic Church. In 2014, the Vatican said 3,420 credible accusations of sexual abuse committed by priests had been referred to it over the past 10 years, and that 824 clerics were defrocked as a result.

In January, Pope Francis called for “zero tolerance”towards sex crimes against children, and condemned it as “a sin that shames” both the perpetrators and those who cover up for their crimes.


RETRIEVED http://hangthebankers.com/catholic-church-paid-sex-abuse-victims-australia/